When in Rome...The History of the Condom

I read something really disturbing.

I learned that in Rome, warriors wore tubes on their penis which they obtained from the intestines of enemies they killed. Sometimes they wore the intestinal tubes of animals like sheep, goat etc.

The first modern condom was developed in 1921, when a factory worker in Akron, OH, Alfred Trojan, accidentally dunked his erect penis into a vat of vulcanized rubber. His condom empire now consists of $50 million in sales to over 40 countries around the world, but his once-proud penis was reduced to a blackened, shriveled twig.

OK, so maybe that last part was a bit exaggerated. But the rest is all true.

So much for socks and panty hose, this is far worse. Can you imagine using human intestines to wrap your penis just for a few moments of pleasure?

Some of you can go longer but I imagine these intestines, whether human or otherwise, smelled something like chitlins and hog mog. Can you really stand the smell of that while having sex?

Not only that, but the condoms were used to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases but don't you think you're prone to more diseases and infections by putting raw animal stomach inside your body? Not to mention the fact that these condoms were deemed REUSABLE!

When I Was a Kid...Part V

Who used to write down the lyrics to songs they absolutely LOVED?

I remember there were so many times where I couldn't quite catch what the artist said and I would have to rewind the tape like 50-11 times!!!

Ohhhh! They said "hanging in a chow line"...

See, this was before you can do a google search for lyrics. This was manual labor at its best. And sometimes these songs can get pretty lengthy.

The songs I always wrote down were Mary J. Blige tracks. I was in the 6th grade when I discovered who Mary was. And boy oh boy did I try to emulate her - I failed miserably, by the way.

I remember everyone knowing how much I idolized her and during a game of truth or dare instead of asking me to kiss the slow kid (I know, kids can be cruel), they asked me to sing "Real Love" while doing this new dance called "the butterfly".
I must have been good because no one laughed or said anything during my performance.
I would go on to sell out the Garden in a day but you can read about that in my autobiography, "Confessions of a Broke Bitch".

SIDENOTE: If I titled the book, "Confessions of a Liar", would anyone believe a word of it?

So, yeah. Even my teacher got involved in this debacle. She asked me to sing a song for her and when I was through she says, "This girl can sing!" Now, at that age, I'm not sure if I had the ability to detect sarcasm. For some strange reason, I look back on that day and can almost see my teacher stifling a laugh as soon as I turned away.

VH1 Hip Hop Honors

Let's see. Is there anything that I'd like to talk about today?

Ah yes, the VH1 Hip Hop Honors. Great show and I wish it were longer but there were alot of great moments. It was even nice seeing Mc Lyte work the gold carpet. I'm sure the gold carpet idea was born out of the fact that rappers love their bling bling but back in the day it was all about the gold. Fat rope chains, four finger rings, and door knocker earrings. Yeah booyyyy!

Anyway, my favorite moments was the Salt N' Pepa/En Vogue reunion. They performed the hit song, Whatta Man and sounded just as good as they did ten years ago. I loved their outfits and hairstyles but I want to be Salt when I grow up. These ladies have to be in their fifties by now but they look great.

Oh...my...god! You will never guess what just came on the radio? Foxy Brown's I Needa Man.

Boy is that song appropriate right now. Is she calling her man "doodoo" in the song? That's not important. What's important is that I feel what she's saying. I can feel her angst and not just because I'm single but because I don't even have a jumpoff.

"Maybe a dude with no kids." "A dude that aint afraid of marriage or pushing a baby carriage. Whoa." Yeah, Foxy aint never lied.

"Ladies throw your hands up high, and tell these dudes no longer we gon' cry. It's a new year now..." Cut. Whatever happened to The Fever album?

I'm listening to 93.1 The Beat, a Miami radio station and Aaliyah's If Your Girl Only Knew is playing now. Love that song too.

But back to the hip hop honors, Nelly did a great L.L. impersonation. Even when he took off his shirt off he was able to compete with the great James Todd Smith as far as muscular build. I was pleasantly surprised at how cut Nelly was.

Wait. Now they're playing 112's Anywhere. "Here we are all alone. You and me - privacy...Candy lips are calling me, between your legs..." wow, how interesting.

Excuse while I go masterbate in the company bathroom...

Things I noticed this weekend...

I went to a housewarming party this weekend. And it was like the ghetto version of MTV cribs. I mean, this guys apartment was hot. Red walls, fish tank, nice entertainment system, bar, leather sofas - you know, all the essentials of a bachelor pad.

This got me to thinking about the true reason people have housewarming parties. No, not because of the gifts. It's to show off how many cool things they have. The host, while very pleasant, was obviously beaming with pride as he mingled with his guests. The architect, the person who should have been celebrated that night, stood in the shadows and watched his nephew take all the glory and honor that by right, should have been bestowed upon him.

Maybe that's too dramatic.

Anyway, I went to church yesterday but was late. Actually I was right on time because I missed the offering but came just before the sermon. The preacher spoke about the three P's of sacrifice - Partnership, Perserverance, and Praise.

He ended it with asking the congregation for sacrificial contributions to the church which will go towards building a "life center". He asked 120 people to give $5000, 70 people to give $1000, and the rest to give what they can. He also mentioned that the Lord has placed it on someone's heart to give $25000. A collective, "wow" went over the church as he stated that the person knows who they are the Lord will bless them.

If I had $25000 to give and happened to be that person, I'd let everyone in the church know. Give me some authority and power to flaunt around.

I know, I know. That's not what being a saint is all about, but still....

Then he asked everyone who gave something to stand up and pray with him. I think it was ploy to make those who did not contribute feel guilty. While I sat in my chair, looking around at those who probably only gave $5 or $20, I felt I'd pray on it and ask God if there is anything he'd like me to give.

Then I'd fume in anger I watch the pastor drive by my 1995 Chevy in his 2005 Jag.

You know what else I noticed this weekend? When someone compliments you on your clothes, do you look down at what you have on?

What is that about?

And I finally got my pictures developed from my VA Beach vacation. I also got them on a disk to share with you all but the photo tech at Walgreen's forgot and by the time I picked up my pictures the machine was broken.

Now, I must mention one thing I noticed about this photo technician. Her name is Nicole. How do I know her name you ask? (why do I have a feeling no one would ask that question?)

I know her name because her name tag said Nicole, two of her rings said Nicole, both her earrings said Nicole, but she had a tattoo on her wrist that said "Wanda".
She obviously seemed to be obsessed with her own name so why would she permanently put someone else's name on her body instead of her own?

But, alas, the joke was on me. When she handed me my receipt, I noticed she had "Nicole" on her other wrist.

It's Not Right, But It's Okay...

Ok, I know I'm late but I saw Being Bobby Brown for the first time and not surprisingly I have a few things to say about the show.

My guess is that the show is such a hit because people tune it to see Whitney's antics. She is so funny when she is not supposed to be. I can't imagine why she's so sexually attracted to Bobby. Every other moment sex is mentioned and you can tell that they do the nasty ALOT.

Why does Whitney suddenly have a little pot belly? Is she pregnant or is rehab causing her to gain weight in that one area? at least I hope she's in rehab.

And she always looks so sweaty. Bobby looks cracked out all the time anyway but it shocked me to see Whitney living like this on a daily basis.

And another thing. Couldn't they have come up with a more creative theme song for the show? Even one of their old hits would suffice. Am I right?

I stopped watching the Gotti's too. I can never understand what the "Gotti Hotti's" are saying. And they always try to act so tough as if they're so aware that they have to live up to the Italian toughguy image. They're kids!

It's as though they have some gangster gene that they aren't sure how to use yet. So it comes out at the oddest of times like when they were fighting over who used all the hair gel and whose turn it is to use the car.

I'm not sure I like the idea of glamourizing Victoria Gotti's lifestlye that is obviously backed by years of crime, murder, and mayheim brought on by her dad, John Gotti and his goons.

Not that I have any clue what I'm talking about...

and then there's that new reality show on MTV. Contestants compete for their own reality show by pitching their idea to the network. The winner, obviously, gets their own show.

The contestants vary from a guy who lives in the backwoods, makes his own clothes, and eats only natural food to a couple of hoodrats who want to be next Paris and Nicole.

Their tape which gave a glimpse of what their show would be like showed them trying to crash a red carpet event which turned out to be a country music awards of sorts. The narration sounded very much rehearsed, as if she was reading from a piece of paper. Reality television should be unscripted.

They ended up in the bottom three.

Other contenders include twins - one is gay and the other is straight, a kid who owns his own company, and an aspiring comic.

If I were to have my own show it would be about living in a small town and sharing my kids father with 16 other women. It would be a Maury-like show and all of us will have paternity tests. Some of them are so slutty they'll need maternity tests- but that's another show.

Can't Get Enough Of Those Homos!

I knew Rosie O'Donnell was gay a long time ago.

People seemed so shocked and surprised all because she had a crush on Tom Cruise. Come on. Tom Cruise is just as gay as she is. And you can have a crush on the opposite sex and not be gay. I've had a crush on Sara Stokes from Making The Band since the show aired and no one suspects that I'm a lesbian.


That's a hot outfit, but girl yo' eyebrows are turning me on!

Actually, at this point I'm sure multitudes of people are questioning my sexuality.

I'm surprised there isn't a gay network on television yet. or maybe there is...


Makes one wonder, doesn't it.

No, seriously. With the Ellen's, Rosie's, and The Queer Eye's of tv land there is sure to be some type of channel in the works that is committed to the celebration of gay pride. I am also sure that it will be called The Rainbow Network or TRN for short.

(Steal my idea and I will slice the penises and strap ons clear off your bodies)
Not sure how painful slicing off a strap on would be but trust me, you don't want to find out sister!

Let me take this opportunity to ask a question that's been plaguing me for some time. What is the plural for penis? Is it A. peni or B. penum. The Kidd and I have had this argument before and I wonder if either of us is right. And in what instance would you ever need to use the plural of penis?

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to say penis in the plural sense, please make proper grammer your last priority. You have a bigger issue on your hands (or in your...aw forget it)

Let's see. What else do I want to say about gays....

Oh, yeah. Women please, stop exploiting the homo. I got your number ladies. Every single one of you divas just have to have that one gay male friend. I can see through all that Maybelline.

All of you are phonies!! Just like the white woman who says, "I have black friends" this is your way of saying, "See. I accept faggots. I have one sitting in my living room right now just waiting to go shopping". Phony.

You don't really like them. You use them like accessories and parade them around the mall to prove that you have an open mind and that you're not so far up your own booty that you can't embrace lifestyles that are different from yours. Phony.

Keep up with the trends, girlfriend. Didn't you hear? Gay is the new black. Everyone has to have one this season.

I know I got one in my closet. Do you?

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

So yeah, I didn't title this post Taste The Rainbow because it was....slightly corny. Not that "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" isn't equally cheesy but...

Hey, "corny" and "cheesy". Let's think about this for a minute. What else could we have come up with to describe something dull and uninteresting? ricey? potatoey? mayonnaiseonly? pasta-ey? Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Let's stop.

On to the subject at hand. Gay people.

Trust me folks, I have nothing against gay people. Actually I do have one bone to pick with the gay men of the universe. Stop hogging all the halter tops!!! It is so hard to find halter tops and body glitter in the summer because of all the gay pride celebrations going on. Stay out of Windsor and Forever 21, that's my territory.

Speaking of territory, homos have completely taken over the churches. I remember when there was that one token gay dude in the church that directed the choir. No one ever really acknowledged his gayness except for the occasional comment about him being "funny". Yes, his pants were a couple of sizes too small and he wore finger waves in his hair but he could sing his a$$ off!

This is another thing you can add to the long list of differences between black and white people. In the catholic churches gay men were given a bad rep by the priests who molested young boys. Not to say that the same does not happen in the black churches but things such as this seem to be more infrequent because gay men can be more open in the urban religious community. I could be wrong. I could be wrong.

By the way, when did we decide that we would call the opposite of being gay, "straight"?

Just a question. If anyone wants to acknowledge it, please do.

2005 Emmy's

Did anyone else watch the Emmy's last night. I thought it was hilarious. I love Ellen Degeneres anyway but the show itself was very entertaining.

I was personally routing for Jon Stewart and The Daily Show crew because I have been a fan since the beginning. I have a crush on Jon and felt extremely jealous when he kissed his wife before accepting his award. I believe this is their second Emmy? Correct me if I'm wrong.

I wonder what took the industry so long to recognize The Daily Show as ground breaking and well, good.

The show opened up with Earth Wind and Fire doing a special remake for the awards show and The Black Eyed Peas also came out to perform with the legendary band.

Will.I.Am had a verse that said, and I hope I remember this correctly, "Michael Jackson went on trial, waited all day to hear the verdict, not guilty. Martha Stewart was guilty, she went to jail and got a show, that's how entertainment goes"

It doesn't completely rhyme so I'm sure I got it wrong but that was the jist of what he said. What I took from that was a black man can be found innocent and be treated as an outcast for the rest of his life. A white woman can be found guilty AND go to the jail for it but come out with all kinds of movie and tv deals. (side note: did anyone notice the puzzled look on Jon Stewart's face after this verse?)

Speaking of jail, why did the only black actor interviewed for a Emmy awards skit have to say that he started out acting in prison? That was Roc by the way.

Did the D.C. snipers get any paper from that movie made about their shooting spree?

Did you notice how I called Charles S. Dutton, Roc? I have a habit that I think most people have, calling actors by their characters names. For example, and I know everyone does this - Steve Urkell. Who says, Jaleel White?

And what about Gina from Martin - OR even Pam? Or Jerry from Seinfeld..oh, wait...

I guess that's why actors started to name their characters after themselves. Hence the legacy of Jerry Seinfeld, Steve Harvey, Martin Lawrence, Ray Romano, etc. etc.

Maybe it's all ego.

Anyway, on to more important things: gay people!

wait, I'll talk about that later...give me a few days and I'll have an interesting post titled, "Taste the Rainbow".

My final nightclub experience....

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon....you know the rest. While my friend and I were trying to "regulate" and get ready for a night at the postponed First Friday event, we made the decision to leave earlier than usual. We were determined to get to the club by 11:00 - 11:30 being the latest.

But, the unexpected always happens right? She locked her keys in the car.

I should have taken this as a sign and stay at home instead. But, no. We were determined. Plus, this would be my last club outing.

She finally gets her keys out of the car around 11:30 and we arrive at the club a little after 12:30. I wanted to make the best of the evening but the evening had other plans.

We were charged $20 for an hour and a half of dancing! The place was so packed with sweaty drunks that I couldn't really enjoy myself like I wanted to - but that's what I get for trying to force my way into a lifestyle that is not my own.

Yeah, folks - it was quite an experience but one that I can no longer partake in.

I'm moving on.

From now on, I'm doing a variety of activities that stimulate more than my clitoris.
Not, sure if the club even managed to do that for me but the grinding sessions did get me worked up a few times. But.... no more!

Life's a Beach...

No. I didn't have sex. I didn't snort coke. I didn't flash anyone. And most importantly, I didn't solicit money from older men.

But, I'm going to have to re-write my profile because suddenly I'm experiencing a lot of things I've never done before.

I put my feet in the ocean - finally! Wait. Was that the ocean? I think it is. But either way it was nice to finally experience the beach- the sand, the cool breeze, the people, the waves, etc etc etc.

What an experience.

But the drive down there was horrendous. First of all, the gas got more expensive as we went further south. We gassed up in NJ and it cost us $40. Between that, tolls, food, and fun - I'm seriously broke. But, as long as my rent is paid I'm good.

So, we make it down there in one piece. Physically anyway. I drove down there with my best friend who got a speeding ticket in VA. But the cop gave her a summons instead of a fine. So she has to go back to VA for a court date some time this month. Unbelievable.

We stayed at a friends house who has a petite cutesy roommate. She's so tiny I just wanted to dress her up like a doll and send her out into the world. She could be Nightclub Barbie, or Ghetto Barbie, or Pothead Barbie. Yeah, homegirl gets down with the sticky icky and I caught a contact all weekend.

Saturday morning we made plans to go straight to the beach but do you think that actually happened? No. We went to the mall. My money is tight as it's ever been but I manage to squeeze out some extra dollars for a skimpy dress to wear to the club that night. It's very revealing in all the right places but covers enough of the important parts to maintain my dignity.

We go out and the club scene was better than I expected and it reminded me of the VanDome but spacer and less crowded. Maybe it looked bigger because it was less crowded.

Anyway, I noticed that the country guys dance a lot more than the city guys. Which is good. They smile a lot more and seem to have more fun. I have to go down there more often. Maybe I'll meet my husband down there...

There's also alot more guys in church. Yes, I found a southern baptist church around the corner from our friends house and I went to service the next morning. The preacher talked about discerning the times and the church gave $10,000 to the Red Cross to help those affected by Hurricane Katrina. It was an emotional service but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

That night, we went to a step show at Norfolk State. I've never been to a step show and I was soooo impressed. It was quite an experience to be in the midst of such unity. I loved it.

After the step show, we went to the strip near the beach. There were so many people out there but I got to take a picture with a cop on his horse. When I asked my friend to take the picture, she said no- it was too embarrasing. No one wanted to do it. But eventually they gave in. Right before my friend snapped the picture, I stroked the cop's thigh! I'm sure that took him by surprise. I thought I was gonna get arrested for molesting a police officer.

And we left in the morning. I got souveniers from most of the states we stopped in and the trip was a memorable experience. Next month, I'm going to VEGAS!

VMA'S part II

So what came next???

Oh yeah, R. Kelly unveiled a new chapter to his latest masterpiece "Trapped in the Closet". He acted out all parts by himself and as I watched his performance I realized how smart of a move that was. The performance was very entertaining; it was funny watching him act out the gay and female parts of the song.

I could dedicate an entire post to this performance alone but in short, this chapter was about Rufus, his lover, and his wife. After being torn between the two, he eventually decides to go back to his wife - and everyone applauded. I was just waiting for them to put the camera on Jay-Z to get his reaction to the show but....

I missed Shakira's performance : (

I meant : )

Diddy talked about his many name changes and had a slideshow to prove how much he's changed over the years. He also talked about name changes that never made it past the boardroom such as Seanye West and Sean Dalessa Diddy Rice.

I thoroughly enjoyed The Killers' performance which was set up like a suburban pool party. Brandon Flowers, lead singer of the Killers, was sweating so much I was hoping someone would throw him into the pool.

Lil' Kim looked better than she has in a long time but someone should really stop her from putting collagen in her lips. Her breasts look bigger for some reason. Maybe she's planning ahead and will sell milk for soups in prison. You know how much those jailbirds love top ramen noodles...

Ludacris wins his first MTV award without Usher.

I absolutely loved how Snoop came out a did the duet with Biggie at the end of the tribute. It was if they were consciously bridging the old gap between east and west coast hip hop.

Then Fat Joe hosted a segment of the awards that honored the "reggaetoneras" (if I'm spelling that right but that's what they called them) - Don Omar, Tego Calderon, and Daddy Yankee came out and did their thing. But, as I'm sure everyone is aware, Fat Joe ended the segment by announcing how safe he feels with all the police protection courtesy of G-Unit.

So, eventually G-Unit comes out to do their "melody" - as 50 so eloquently put it. But I just couldn't understand why they were playing tamborines during 50's performance??? How you doin' 50?

I could not *bleeping* enjoy this *bleeping* set because *bleep*, there were so many *bleeping* cuss *bleeping* words that I couldn't *bleeping* under*bleeping*stand what they were *bleeping* say*beep*ing!

But after all that *bleeping*, at the end G-Unit had some choice words for Fat Joe. They called him a few names and made some vulgar comments that MTV conveniently let slip through the editing cracks.

But my real concern is this: Why is 50 still wearing those gay a$$ tank tops?! They look like halter tops...

I'm stopping here because I simply don't have time to write anymore.

Tonight, I'm leaving for Virginia Beach and I intend on having a post free weekend. I will be back on Tuesday to write about my adventures and maybe I'll have some pictures : )

I will have finally been to the beach and I will swim in the ocean for the first time.

Wish me well!

VMA'S!

And the show begins!

Rock band of the night, Green Day, sets off the night with a great performance which I thoroughly enjoyed. But then, Diddy comes out and it's all downhill from there.

Just kidding. I honestly think Diddy did a good job. I especially liked the Biggie tribute. It's good to see that after all these years he's still honoring the late great hip hop legend and because of that, no one will ever forget him.

Speaking of hip hop legends, Kanye West, who is on his way to achieving said status himself, was one of the first winners of the night. He and American Idol's numero uno winner, Kelly Clarkson split the first category Best Male and Best Female Video.

Ludacris performed soon after with a live band and dancers from "all over the world". Both Luda and Bobby Valentino looked great in their suits but I'm just happy Bobby V didn't wear the belt with the big buckle he seems to have grown fond of.

Diddy makes an announcement that "anything can happen" at this awards show and to prove it, he took off his Jacob watch and hands it to a lucky audience member. I'm suprised a fight didn't break out right then and there...

Next up Diddy talks about his fashion challenge and announces the nominees: Usher, Kanye, and Snoop for the men - Eva L., Amerie, and Gwen S. for the women.

Snoop and Gwen will go on to win the $50,000. Gwen is "probably" going to donate hers to the Orange Co. Hosp. (How do you say probably? What if she changes her mind? I'm sure the hospital is waiting for their money now that she's said it on live television. I you watch a re-run and MTV has bleeped it out, we'll know Gwen changed her mind.)

To take a step further to prove his earlier statement that "anything can happen", Diddy and Omarion break out in an impromptu dance contest that was far to brief to hold my attention. But, lo and behold! Uncle Luke and his infamous booty dancers come out and show the MTV audience how it's done in Miami. The dancing was vulgar and very risque and the camera caught Kelly of Destiny's Child saying, with a disgusted look on her face, "What is that girl doing?"

To which my reply was, "Nothing your girl, Beyonce aint already done and you and your girl Michelle aint already tried to do."

Then comes my favorite performance of the evening- MC Hammer comes out and everyone goes bananas! Veteran (as far I know, Jay-Z was the only veteran in attendance lol)and newcomers alike stand up and enjoy this legendary entertainer. Yes, homeboy is wack as ever NOW. But don't try to act like you wasn't trying to do the typewriter back in the early 90's... I thought so.

Unfortunately, Hammer was still rocking that corny banadana. Come on. Some things are better left in the 90's.

Keeping in time with the dancing theme, the dancers from the movie, Rize, exploited their talents by battling on stage- Clownin' vs. Crumpin'. A little girl came out at the end of the performance and killed it though. I really enjoyed seeing such a young lady tear up the stage better than the adults.

Well folks, this post is getting long so I will end here and continue on another post. Be sure to check back for the remainder of my re-cap because there is much more to tell.