2005 MTV Music Awards (Pre-Show)

The first interview of the night was Usher who was heavy on promoting his new record label, Us Records. How creative. Now, I've spoken about this before but I must say this again. Why do urban artists feel the need to name their companies silly and self promoting names. Ill Nana Entertainment? Us Records? Slip and Slide Entertainment???

Sway interviewed celebrities after allowing them to drive their pimped out rides onto a rotating platform. (why does "pimped out" sound so old and corny now?) The first interview-ee was The Game who stepped out of his ride wearing a ghetto zoot suit and baseball cap to match. Did I dare see a butterfly tattoo on his face? Hey Game, how you doin'?

Next up was Omarion who was wearing a (gasp!) leather jacket in August. Let me remind you that they were in MIAMI. I noticed that O had his baby hair slicked down something awful to either disguise his huge forehead or hide his premature balding. Not a good look on both counts.

MTV'S fashion consultant, Coltran and Diddy's baby mama informed the viewers that the show will simulatneously run a contest called "Diddy's Fashion Challenge". I suspect Mr. Diddy wanted to use as many opportunities as possible to drive the point home that his new name will be "Diddy."

While Madonna was not present, MTV ran a sneak preview of her upcoming dvd titled "I'm Gonna Tell You a Secret". I love you girl, but I think the secret is out. You're gonna re-invent yourself AGAIN and judging by the preview the look will be futuristic and the sound will be that of a digital age. You will probably have the RZA produce your album...

Rock group, My Chemical Romance, arrived in a Brinks truck and one of the members made some stupid comment about wanting protection due to the east coast/west coast beef.

Mike Jones, Slim Thug, and Paul Wall (my personal favorite from that camp) peformed during the preshow, and proved to everyone that we are indeed in the midst of a new ice age. Is it just me or does Mike Jones always look like his top lip is sunburned? Someone should send him a case of blistex...

Now the commercials - my favorite was the Gap jeans commercial. Michelle Williams sounded great singing Al Green's Let's Stay Together, but I could've done without all the celebrity crotch shots...

While Kelly Clarkson looked cute in her gorgeous dress, her interview was quite boring. You can tell the interview is tired when the camera pans to a view of the Miami skyline.

Alicia Keys looked pretty and I loved her hair but her dress was very unflattering. Probably the wrong color. It was puke tan.



Ricki Martin. I almost don't want to say anything but I must be open with the readers. He looked so washed up it was horrendous. Come on, tattoos Ricki? Bare arms and spiky hair? It's so reminescent of Vanilla Ice's reggae comeback. I honestly think he's trying to come back at a time where he can cash in on some of the reggatone money. I mean, isn't it obvious? Fat Joe and Amerie on his first single? I'm suprised he didn't get Nore.

Soon to be jailbird Lil' Kim, drives up to her interview with Sway in a 2005 Phantom Rolls Royce which she claims was a gift. The stereo was blasting her latest single "Put Your Lighters Up" and she mentioned her album drops September 13th. Her nose and lips aren't the only things changing these days- her voice is getting soft and high pitched. Hmmmm. Reminds me of someone...

Jamie Foxx told MTV his album is "dropping right in your mouth" November 15th. Now this is the best news I heard all night!

The G Unit interview soon followed and 50 Cent proved what I always said about him. He is one dumb motherf#$%@#! When asked what the audience should expect from the G Unit performance he said "we're doing a melody". I'm sorry Mr. Jackson, did you mean "medley"?

Destiny's Child was the last interview and I don't have much to say about them except that Michelle talked more than usual and I think they're finally giving her the shine that she deserves 10 minutes before they officially disband. How cruel.

Well that's it for the pre-show. Stayed tuned for my re-cap of the 2005 MTV Video Awards...

Aaliyah January 16, 1979 - August 25, 2001

If you were wondering why you keep hearing "Back and Forth", "4 Page Letter", and "Are You That Somebody?" on radio stations then you may have figured out by now that it's the anniversary of the R&B singers untimely death.

Yes, five years ago (wow time just flies doesn't it - wow, that probably isn't the best way to say that in this context) we found out that Aaliyah had died in a plane crash.

In 2001 Aaliyah became one of the many celebrities that have perished in plane crashes.

Otis Redding - Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay became famous a year after his death when his plane crashed into Lake Monona. It was his first #1 single and first million-seller.

Buddy Holly, Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens - the day the music died..

Patsy Cline - who along with fellow country singers Randy Hughes, Hawshaw Hawkins, and Cowboy Copas died in a 1963 plane crash. Country singer Jack Anglin died in an auto accident on the way to her funeral.

Rocky Marciano - who holds the distinction of being the only heavyweight champion to retire undefeated.

Roberto Clemente - He was elected to the Hall of Fame posthumously in 1973, being the first Hispanic American to be selected, and the only exception to the mandatory five-year post-retirement waiting period since it was instituted in 1954.

Ronnie VanZant, Steve Gaines - October 20, 1977 (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

John Denver - don't know anything about John Denver- was he a singer or something?

Barbara Olsen - news commentator died Sept. 11, 2001 while on her way taping one of my favorite shows, Politically Incorrect. She was aboard Flight 77 and was a victim of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Joe Kennedy - brother of President John F. Kennedy

Kathleen Kennedy - sister of President John F. Kennedy

John Kennedy Jr. - son of President John F. Kennedy (obviously)

Bessie Coleman - the first Black licensed pilot in the world. (I had to mentioned "licensed" because you know how Black people like to drive without a license-- oh come on, you weren't thinking the same thing?!)

Has this ever happened to you?

Ever been in a waiting room or riding on a city bus (for you broke people) and there's always one person that wants to talk loudly so that everyone can hear their conversation? And the topic is always something where they can non-chalantly let everyone else know specific details about their life.

For example, they may make comments about their new Hummer or new house. Talk about what they do for a living or how much money they make. How they met with the president last week and will be traveling Europe in the spring.

These people disgust me to the point where I want to puke on their spam sandwiches.

Well, not really. What is spam made of anyway? Someone send me the ingredients.

Back in the day, did you ever record songs off the radio? Of course you have! But have you ever recorded a song and then the dj comes on talking over the last bit of the song. So when you listen to the dope tape you just made, you always have that one song that ends with the dj saying, "hot ninety-seven blazin' hip hop and r&..." or "ninety-eight point..."

You would try to edit the tape by rewinding it really fast and then recording silence for a few seconds to create that "space" in between songs. But sometimes a hot song would come on and you wouldn't have much time to edit so the "mixed" tapes never came out perfect. That was the beauty of it all. And what about when you got to the end of the tape and the song would cut off- but if it was a funky dope song you just flipped the tape over and starting recording the rest of it on the B side... Anyone still have one of these tapes? I do. And I might sell them on Ebay.

But what about when you would make these tapes and got so used to the order of the songs that whenever you heard one of the songs somewhere else you would immediately start to sing the song that came after it! And this would happen years after the tape is long gone...

- or you would at least hear it in your head.

Have you ever listened to the Biggie song, Unbelievable and start to sing the R. Kelly song, Your Body's Calling?

Have you ever went to buy shoes but didn't want to try them on because you suddenly realized your socks are filthy?

Wait. That last one has actually NEVER happened to me. But I must say, it's really sad when the shoe salesman brings out a clean sock so you won't mess up their sneakers...

This is yo' life, nigga!

I had an ok weekend. I went to a club Friday night and had an ok time. I spent more money than I anticipated but that's ok...I'm a baller, son!

So I met this guy in the club which is the worse place to conversate. He was a pretty big guy- not in a good way- in a chubby sweaty sort of way. His shirt is all soaked from god knows what and he wants to be right up on me so I can hear him talk about his many talents.

No. He wasn't talking sexual, apparently he's the manager of the building - not the club. He says he graduated with a degree in business finance and currently working on his masters.

He went on to say that he is also head of the union - for nightclub owners I suppose? This man wears many hats.

Yeah right.

One of the first things he says to me is that he has a girlfriend and that he's not trying to hit on me. He just like to socialize.

He followed me and my friend around the club and when he saw that we were about to leave he asks me for my phone number. Hmmmm.

I said, "I don't give my phone number to guys who have girlfriends."

His response was that he was only looking for friendly conversation so can I take his number.

I said, "I don't take numbers from guys who have girlfriends."

That pretty much shut him up.

I'm glad I was able to escape this pathological liar because he was starting to scare me.

It was a cool night so I decided to wear a mid length jacket over my skimpy outfit. However, the club was like 108 millimeters farenheit so I was hot as hell. It was torture!! Why didn't I just take off my jacket, you ask? My skirt was super short and I wasn't wearing any panties : )

Anyway, I haven't written much in a while because I just started this new position at work and subsequently my hours have dramatically changed. I think better in the afternoon and I just don't have that free time anymore. I just hope I don't get writers block because this is my therapy folks. Keep leaving comments ok let me know you're still out there!

Good Timber

Haven't had time to post but I came across this poem and wanted to share it with whoever would read it...

Good Timber By Douglas Malloch as quotes in Sterling W. Sill,
MAKING THE MOST OF YOURSELF

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.
The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.
Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees,
The further sky, the greater length,
The more the storm the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.
Where thickest lies the forest growth
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

What Can Brown Do For You?

I truly enjoy the Madea plays and Meet The Browns is no different. But lately I've been hearing people come down on Brown for being a modern day Sambo- shucking and jivin' and giving the white folks a chance to laugh at us when we're thinking they're laughing with us.

No. I don't agree when people say that Brown set Black people back 10 years. Hmmm, lets take a look back and see what us Blacks were up to in 1995...

That was the year the Luniz came out with "I Got 5 On It" and The Dogg Pound released Dogg Food. Well, scratch the last one, I'm so sick of the dogg references...

But let's not forget that Junior Mafia released Conspiracy Theory - I think the theory was that Biggie was writing all their rhymes...

Junior Masters at Finding Intelligent Attitudes - how profound...

1995 marked the promising futures of UPN and the WB. These networks spawned such classics like Homeboys in Outer Space, Sparks, Good News, and Malcolm and Eddie.

Do Bears Shit in the Woods?

That's what I think the concept behind the Charmin commercials are.... the momma and baby bear wiping their butts from back to front - front to back...that's nasty and an offensive thing to us deep thinkers out here...

anyway, speaking of commercials, remember Calvin from McDonald's? One day I's gon' serve fries boss!

Starter cap commercials were the coolest back in the day...first you buy the hat, then you flip the hat, then you slam the hat! it's a Starter cap!

I used to love the Starter jackets though... I always wanted a 79er's coat but my mom got me a Dallas Cowboys one instead..

Wait, who are the 79er's? I actually meant the 49er's...who remembers the gold rush of 1979?

But what about radio commercials? Have you ever heard a commercial come on the radio and think it's a new song? If not, that's never happened to me either.

But what about the decent commercials that you're geniunely interested in and want to jot down the number but you CAN'T because you're freakin' DRIVING!!!!

I HATE THAT!

You know what else I hate? Me neither. But when I think of it I'll let you know.

When I Was a Kid...Part IV

Is it part IV already? Wow. Well let's get right to it then.

When I lived with my grandmother her living room had a foul smelling odor to it. It grew increasingly unbearable and one day we couldn't take it anymore. It smelled as if something had crawled into the house and died.

So we're looking around trying to uncover this mystery and we finally look into the chimney. What we found was the most digusting thing I'd ever seen up close...

A snake had tried to eat a rat legs first and the rat's limbs bent backwards choking the snake to death. Both the snake and the rat were decaying right there in our living room. Yuk.

Speaking of digusting, one day I stepped on a piece of glass and hurt my foot. For days it was so sore but it felt good in an odd kind of way. So I kept picking at the sore even after it had healed. Well one day I was busy picking at it and picking at it until the sore re-opened and the piece of glass popped out!

Speaking of hidden treasures, (don't you just love how well I segue?) for years I had a beauty mark -not a mole- on my big toe. My mom and sisters all have this same mole- I mean beauty mark. One day, it mysteriously disappeared.

Remember Dougie Howser MD? Who used to watch Roc faitHfully? I sure did. What about Amen? And The Wonder Years? I used to love Designing Women but I need to talk about that in another post....

My first rollercoaster ride...

I went to Six Flags yesterday and decided to take a chance and accomplish something that I've never done before.... so I decided to go on the craziest roller coaster in the park -Superman- Ride of Steel:


that first drop is the worst, I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. Then to make matters worse I think I suffered a neck injury. The next morning I had a stiff neck and I felt nauseous. I'm never doing that again. The next ride I went on was a new attraction called Pandemonium. It had lots of twists and turns but was way too short if you enjoy stuff like that.

What kills me is the cost of food inside the park. A slice of bread with sauce smeared on it topped with cheese is almost $7!

Anyway, I did something else I thought I'd never do. I wore a bikini for the first time! I always thought of bikini's as walking around in your underwear but I quickly got over that phobia and jumped into the urine saturated pool with the rest of the happy-go-lucky-I-don't-care-if-I'm-basically-bathing-with-complete-strangers.

Whew! those hypens are a pain in the butt- they completely threw me off track and I'm no longer sure of what my point was. I guess I could always scroll back up and read my statement but I'm too cool for that.

Oh yeah, my bikini. The bottoms were boy shorts instead of the traditional looking ones. I kept trying in vain to pull them down a bit so my camel toe wouldn't show.

Ejaculatte' and Cat Vagina

Watch how you treat these nasty fast food restaurant workers. The uncleanliness of food is a serious matter. So serious, that I have taken precious time out of my busy schedule to bring you...

TALES FROM THE KITCHEN!

I have three horrifying stories about a well known restaurant, Dunk 'Nuts (names have been changed to protect privacy).

First up is the case of the ejaculatte'...I know a guy who used to work there and he actually ejaculated into the latte mix! I jive you not! Makes you look at that frothy cream in a whole 'nother light, doesn't it?
This guy is a repeat offender because he also put an acid trip in an old lady's muffin! For years I've wondered what happened to that old lady and what kind of hallucinations she experienced. This is a sad one because it could have killed her.

Sidenote: Is it true that acid trips make you hallucinate because it causes blood from your brain to drip onto your spine? Someone told me that but I'm unsure of how true it is.

Sidestory: The Kidd has already heard this one but I know a guy who put a sheet of acid trips in his sock and walked home in the rain. Needless to say, his socks got soaked, causing the acid trips to melt into his skin. From that day forward he thinks he's a glass of milk and is afraid to lie down because he might spill out!

Anyway, the last incident was when someone threw out all the donuts before a new batch was made. So, they retrieved all the trashed donuts and put them back on the shelves. How disgusting is that?! This same restaurant tells it's employees "eat all the food you want for free as long as you eat it here". I think they just want to have a nice laugh at your expense while they watch you eat a cumcake and wash it down with an ejaculatte'...

that was crass... so what! It's my blog! take it or read it!

Ok, last story... and I've elluded to this one in my profile, so here it goes...

A lady presented to a local hospital complaining of stomach pain. She explained that she had eaten Chinese take out and had the chicken and broccoli. They rushed her to the ER and after testing the contents of her stomach found that she had eaten...cat vagina.