Shows I Used to Love...Part II (The 1994 edition)

Remember Steve Harvey's first sitcom "Me and the Boys"? It was short lived but paved the way for "The Steve Harvey Show". On Me and the Boys, Steve's character was Steve Tower- on The Steve Harvey Show his character's name was Steve Hightower... Plus Wendy Raquel Robinson was on both shows - I wonder if they have something going on...

And what about South Central w/ Larenz Tate? I used to love the serious tone of that show. No phony applause and laughing in the background. I guess that's why they got rid of it- not enough shucking and jiving for UPN I guess.

or maybe it was on the WB? Either way I suddenly have the urge to tear up some watermellon....

anyway, remember the Asian girl from the Soul Train line? She used to always wear those cut-off booty shorts with the combat boots!!!

And what about Lip Service on MTV? Whatever happened to that show? I used to love it when they'd speed up the music and the contestants would have to speed lip sync... then there was Left Eye's show "The Cut" there was like 1 and a half episodes of that I believe...

Last but not least, I remember watching Domino perform Sweet Potato Pie and Ghetto Jam on Showtime at the Apollo. He had on a wack Calvin Klein sweatshirt - but this just wasn't any Calvin Klein, it was the CK One sweater that he probably got for free after buying some cologne at Macy's. Times is hard, man...times is hard...

Let's Talk Dirty

in case you forgot what I looked like...

well, actually I'm just having a vain moment and thought this picture was just too cute to sit in my phone doing nothing.

She's your queeeen to-oo beeeee!!! A vi-sion, of perf-eccctiooonn!

Ok, maybe it's not that cute but still, I rarely take good photos. Enough about me- let's talk dirty.

You ever get intimate with someone and scratch their back and notice that you have a lot of brown stuff under your nails?

That's never happened to me...

and then when you look at their back you can see the marks where you've scrapped off the dirt. Especially if they're sweaty. But this has never happened to me so...

You know what else is dirty? When people eat grapes out of the grocery store. Stop eating those dirty grapes!!! That's not cool.

Would you lick the outside of a banana without a condom on it...excuse me, (just had a flashback) I mean after merely wiping it off on your shirt?! It's not clean! Don't eat fruit in the grocery store!!!!! Stop doing it!!!! What else can I say to get through to you people?! I know someone is gonna go right into Stop and Shop and sample a grape anyway. Not to mention the fact that you're STEALING!!!!

The Corner Store Stereotypes - When I Was a Kid...Part III

When I was a kid I lived in a neighborhood infested with corner stores. The convienent store didn't seem worth walking into unless it was on the corner.

Near my house, we had a convienent store on each corner! Well my school was on one corner so there were actually three stores total. But here's the thing: each store represented the different nationalities of my neighborhood.

There was La Tropicana (obviously for the hispanics), Hank 7 (gambling connotations-obviously for the blacks), and Gordon's (the Jamaican spot that sold those blazin' beef patties and the most enormous rotten bananas I've ever seen).

Each store seemed to embrace the stereotypes associated with each race. Hank 7, as blacks are stereotypically known for always being late, was the last to open for business. La Tropicano, in the stereotypical lazy fashion, closed up shop first. Gordon's, stereotypically being the hard worker, is still going strong to this day. Mmmmm. I love those beef patties.

FYI: I know I spelled convenient wrong throughout this post but I'm not going to go back and change it because I keeps it real. Word.

E=mc's2

E standing for egnorance, of course : )

I'ma sucka for cornrows and manicured toes...aaaahhh, wake up and smell the ignorance ladies and gentleman.

But let's focus on some of rap's great mathematical blunders shall we?

Creative license my a$$!

"My paragraph alone is worth 5 mics
A 12 song LP, that's 36 mics!!!"
- Redman from 5 Boroughs (1999)

He sounded pretty sure of himself, did he not?

"38 revolve like the sun around the earth"
- Jay-Z from It's Hot (1999)

Hmmmm. The Earth spins on its axis- taking 24 hours to do so. It also revolves around the sun taking 365 days - or a year. But, I guess it's all relative...see how I just tied in the title of my post! Get it. It's all "relative" as in theory of relativity! Aww forget it!

Ok. Benefit of the doubt here speaking, some have argued that the sun revolves around the earth but it has also been argued that the earth is flat! Damn you Jiggaman for making me think!!!!!!!!!

"I'm your worse nightmare squared, thats double for niggas who ain't mathematically aware.."
-Cannibus and Common

The last time I checked squaring something doesn't double it. Tsk tsk tsk. I guess "common" sense isn't so common after all. (special shout out to The Kidd!)

Spandex, Stirrups, and Hammerpants - When I was a kid...Part II

When I was a kid cross colours was real big. And the crocheted shirts with spandex shorts. I believe the proper term was biker shorts. No one wore these colorful extra tight booty flatteners because it enhanced their bike riding skills. No. It served a much more useful purpose.

Let's face it, guys wanted to show off their packages and girls wanted to show off their nicely tucked in tushes.

The problem was when girls had to peel out of those spandex shorts. Boy I'm sure there was a significant difference. That's like false advertisement.

Remember stirrups?
in case you forgot...

Well now that your memory has been refreshed, what purpose did these pants serve?
Oh, to keep your pants from "stirring up" and causing a ruckus?! Oh my god! My pants are stirring up! Quick! Someone get me some rubber so I can attach these pants to my feet! That'll teach 'em!

Ok. Maybe that was too deep for you. Lets revisit the "Hammer" pants.



Legend has it that MC Hammer used these pants to create an optical illusion with his dancing. He actually performed none of the amazing footwork that he became so famous for. There was actually a midget named Claude hidden in the folds of his pants doing all the moves for Hammer.

Claude never got credit for this and eventually died when a giant lump of cheese fell on him and he had to eat his way out...you know the rest.

I'm sorry, I'm making this all up and it isn't fair to any of you.

When I was a kid... part I

I'm starting a series of posts that will recap certain memories from my childhood.

And the first memory is....!

My apartment building had three floors and six apartments. Three on one side and three on the other. The second and third floor apartments had balconies. One day the one of the third floor balconies fell off the building. It was a dangerous thing.

Let's get to something more interesting. My first floor neighbors were into devil worship. The lady was extremely obese and the man was bone skinny. Their kids looked normal to some extent - sort of like the Addams Family.

So, the Addams Family kids took me into the basement and showed me a table with candles all around it. In the middle of the floor was a star with a circle around it and a dead cat was lying in the corner.

They also owned a three-legged dog. A mean three-legged dog he was and he went bananas whenever someone said "nigger". Now this dog didn't spaz out to defend anyone for being called a "nigger", he actually wanted to find the said "nigger" and chew the tongue out of his mouth - or something gross like that.

I'm not sure what they fed this nigger dog but they used to shoot drugs up into the stump that was his fourth leg.

One day my cousin threw a cat into this dog's cage. Needless to say that cat suffered more than I could bear to witness. May he rest in pieces.

When the Addams Family moved out- we threw a party. Just kidding. When the Addams Family moved out we actually broke into the apartment to see if they left any interesting behind. What we found was some poor soul's skull, hidden under one of the floorboards of the apartment.

Thinking Outside the Box...

So, after going clubbin' for a couple of months I think it's time for me to review what I've learned.

One of the most obvious things I learned is that guys cannot seem to dance with you without getting a hard-on. Should I be offended if a guy doesn't get one?

It's so annoying to have someone grab up on you and start grinding their sausage against your booty. It's disgusting - especially if they're sweaty.

Another lesson learned is that guys aren't all that interested in me. I'm sure if I walked up in there half naked with make-up caked on my face and a nice long weave guys will be all over me.

By going to these clubs I feel as though I'm putting myself on display. The way people dance today you know that everyone is thinking the same thing: Is this how she moves in bed?

Come on, it's time to start thinking outside "the box". There's more to life than sex.

Did I just say that?

It's time to try something else. Take me to see an opera. Take me to a jazz club and introduce me to the band afterwards (then we can have an orgy)

See how everything just leads right back to sex?

No, seriously. Let's get dressed up and go someplace ultra elegant.

Oh, what was that? You don't have any money? Ok, try this:

Offer to wash my hair, paint my toenails, massage my back, take me to the park and push me on the swings, take me to an art museum, drive me around rich neighborhoods so we point out our dream houses....

And then maybe, just maybe I'll give you the pu$$y : )

Did Ya Miss Me?!

Welcome back to the Varnell Hill Show! (what up Tommy Davidson)
most of you probably won't get that but for those that do: get a life and stop watchiing those Martin re-runs!!

I took a mini-vacay but I'm back in full effect homeboy!!

You would think that after all this time I'd have alot to say. Actually, I don't. Does that bother you?

I'll tell you what bothers me though. You ever say hi to someone and then realize that they were someone that you didn't know? That happened to me today and I wondered to myself why do people retract their hello? The most common response is: "Oh I'm sorry I thought you were someone else"

That's like saying: "I'm sorry but you are not worthy of a hello from me. I would have to get to know you first before I can properly greet you"

and then people look at you as if to say, "why are saying hello to me?"

anyway, I can't talk about this anymore. It hurts my feelings.

My momma biscuits...

My grandmother made the best homemade biscuits I'd ever tasted. Everytime I go down south I absolutely have to buy a bag of the flour that she uses and a GIGANTIC jar of that O'Boy syrup!

The biscuits were special because after flattening each biscuit she'd put it in the baking pan and press down on it with her knuckles. When they were done cooking you could see her knuckle prints in each biscuit. I love that!

Okay, I'm sure you don't want to hear about my grandmamma's biscuits so lets get to the gossip!

One more thing about Big Tigger being thrown out of the closet...



yeah, that's Big Tigger at a younger age. I suppose he was getting his rocks off back then too... how you doin'???

AND

somebody tell Amerie to stop dancin' in her videos...

hiphopgame.com

Bleek

How funny is it that Jay-Z has a solo song on Memphis Bleek's album in the beginning part. That's like saying it's so wack people are probably gonna turn it off after track 3 but Jay will save the day. Apparently Bleek didn't even know about it. How funny is that?

How do you tell someone that? "Yo Bleek, I added a song to your album."
"My album?" "
Yeah, bitch."
"Damn Jay, I thought it was my album."
"Look, Memphis, I'd like to talk but Beyonce's calling me, I'm about to cop another yacht and take another vacay."
What an insult to Bleek.

Remember how Jay put that stupid song at the end of Beanie's "The Truth" album. It was wack but at least it was subtle. This sh$% is mad blatant. If Jay knows Bleek can't sell, break Bleek off some money and let him retire too.

It's funny how Jay says "please show the same love to my friends." HAHAHAHHA NO!!! How many times has he told the Young Gunz and Oschino and Sparks that "next summer's your summer." Maybe they should try to have a winter or an autumn first.

Diddy

Now P.Diddy is doing a comedy show.

I thought Da Band was the comedy show? Oh, and him doing a comedy show is in no way biting Russell's "Def Comedy Jam." What's next, is P.Diddy gonna try and do Hip Hop?

What's it gonna take to get Diddy to leave the game and go retire on an island??? Am I the only one who doesn't feel Diddy and Jermaine Dupri??? And what's up with Sunny? That name sounds like it should be Kenny G's brother, not a battle rapper. And his DJ, DJ Partly Cloudy, shines sometimes on the ones and twos. His hypeman Thunderstorm always brings the noise though. And his manager Lightning is mad bright and likes to shine, but not that often, plus he's always attracted to metal!!! Prepare for the reign!!!

Bull Feces!

Do you know someone who doesn't like to curse so they make up things to say in place of the cuss words?

Hence the title of this post...

Anyway, I couldn't post anything for the past few days and I'm sure everyone missed the heck out of me.

Did you? Well, you're probably the only one and I applaud you for not jumping on the bandwagon.

Was I making a point? Oh yeah, "Why Dog's Smell Each Other's Butts"

When Coyote asked to join in the sweat bath, the dogs refused him. 'You are too unclean,' they told Coyote, 'you are not a dog.' So the dogs undressed for their bath and entered the sweat lodge without him.

Coyote envied the glossy fur coats the dogs had hung outside the lodge. He thought of stealing them, but he decided not to. Instead he threw the long coats in a great pile, and wiped his muddy feet across them.

Then he set fire to the sweat lodge roof and said in a loud voice, "Oh what will the dogs do now, Coyote has taken their fur!" From behind a rock, Coyote sat laughing as the naked dogs rushed into the cold out-of-doors, grabbing for a coat, afraid there might be too few to cover everyone.

Years later, as the story goes, with every dog zipped into someone else's fur, dogs smell each other's butts, looking for their own.

Meanwhile, Coyote is still grinning off in the hills somewhere, rolling in red dirt, thinking how crude it is to be a dog, how much more clean, how much more fun to be Coyote!

You know I'm not gon' dis you on the internet Part III

Ok. As many of you have probably heard, Karrin "Superhead" Steffans is making the rounds on radio stations promoting her new book, Confessions of a Video Vixen. Cute.

The title is an attention grabber for those wishing to indulge in junk food for the brain. But enough about the book. Let's discuss what's NOT in the book.

Today, Superhead went on the Hot 97 Morning Show and was interviewed by Ms. Jones.
The interview was considerably hyped up before she arrived and Ms. Jones made it seem as though she had some devious tricks up her sleeve. She almost seemed to have it out for this woman.

So, when she arrives at the station she talks for maybe 10 minutes about her book. Then, in an abrupt manner, Ms. Jones suddenly has Cool G. Rap and his wife Ma Barker? on the phone. (Ms. Jones, did they teach you anything about segues in journalism class?) Before G. Rap can say anything, Ma Barker went on a rampage and starting calling Superhead a liar and saying that she has "a beautiful mind". The kicker was when she sent Ms. Jones audio via email stating that she started to record her conversations with Superhead after figuring that she was a phony.

By the way, why would anyone want to name themselves after a woman who taught her sons how to rob, kidnap and murder? The real Ma Barker was killed by the FBI in a bloody shootout in the 1930's.

But let's get back to the point. Ma Barker made some threats and blah blah blah but eventually started revealing things Superhead didn't care to discuss.

SUCH AS: Superhead claiming to have a daughter with rapper Method Man. AND a trist in Miami? where Tigger of Rapcity fame and another guy by the name of Jason engaged in sexual activity that ended in bloody sheets and Ma Barker sticking her finger into one their "no zones" and proclaiming him "ripped into". According to her, Superhead still wanted to sleep with him. The purpose of this story was to prove that Superhead was a nasty whore.

Hmmm. And you stuck your finger where?

Anyway, Method Man was on the west coast while this conversation was going on but got wind of it and called the station at 6am pacific time. He stated he had no idea what they're talking about and he has never met Superhead.

Ma Barker's audio allegedly has Superhead recorded as saying that she has a daughter with this man. And when she refers to "Poppa" in her book, she is talking about Method.

Have a holly jolly Christmas! - the shorter version

My English professor said that you can find sex in just about anything. Keep reading the post below and you'll see that she may have been right...

In Germany, the evergreen tree was used in worship and celebration of the yule god, also in observance of the resurrected sun god.

The evergreen tree was a symbol of the essence of life and was regarded as a phallic symbol in fertility worship.

Witches and other pagans regarded the red holly as a symbol of the menstrual blood of the queen of heaven, also known as Diana.

The holly wood was used by witches to make wands.

The white berries of mistletoe were believed by pagans to represent droplets of the semen of the sun god.

Both holly and mistletoe were hung in doorways of temples and homes to invoke powers of fertility in those who stood beneath and kissed, causing the spirits of the god and goddess to enter them.

Luther Vandross Dead at 54...

I can't believe this! I will have to write more as information becomes available.
But I am DEVASTATED!

May he rest in peace and my prayers will be with his loved ones.

Patti, I know you must be torn to pieces but he will be greatly missed....

I have absolutely nothing to say...

Each time I try to type something I end up deleting it. I'm depressed...

and I can't think straight because every time I take a moment to gather my thoughts I can only think of one thing....

Squash.

The other day, in a moment of desperation due to my depleting bank account, I went grocery shopping. I tried to buy the cheapest food money could buy while still maintaining a healthy diet. So I bought some hella-expensive organic green and yellow squash.

It was better than I expected. I haven't eaten squash since I was a kid but I sautee'd (is the comma in the right place?) it with some boneless chicken strips and served it over a bed of rice pilaf....mmmmm, sounds delicious right- very gourmet.

It was good. But I had two extra squash left and I saute'd (what the hell, let's try a different spelling and see how it looks- does it look right?) those last night.

I better stop putting parenthesis in the middle of my sentences (they just jumble the sentence- don't they?) because it throws the entire statement off.

But we were talking about squash...am I losing it? I think I am- so I will shut up now.