Whatever Happened To...? Part IV (special request)

You asked for it and dagnabit you shall have it! The masses having been screaming: "Where is Tevin Campbell?!"

Well folks, apparently he's alive and not doing well. Tevin went back to Africa.

I'm not kidding. Tevin was most recently spotted in southern Uganda running out on a hefty hotel bill.

So last time we heard from this cherub faced munchkin he was no longer a cherub faced munchkin. He got taller! He grew facial hair!! and clutch the pearls he's gay!!!

Allegedy, Mr. I'm Ready was arrested and pleaded no contest to soliciting oral sex from an undercover (male) LA police officer. This incident occured back in 1999, that year he recorded his final studio album. That's right Tevin, gracefully bow out...and I emphasize "gracefully" ms. thang. (two snaps up)

I shouldn't make light of his gayness. Everyone knew he was a homo and I say that in the highest regard. Remember when people used to say "gaylord"? But I can sympathize with poor little Tevin - it must have been really difficult for him to pretend to like Ashley on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. But I guess that's what acting is all about.

Come back to the world, Tevin. We need you! Actually, we don't but pretend that we care and record another album so I can have a nice hearty laugh at your expense.

Was that mean? So what.

huh@wha.com...read at your own risk.

This poor girl posted a question on a message board trying to get information to help with a school project. Sadly, a bunch of mindless fools responded and needless to say, her question was never truly answered. She only wanted to know the cause of Alexander the Great's death. Katie, I was told he drank the Herculean cup of alcohol and died of alcohol poisoning. But I copied of few of the more interesting responses below...

How did Alexander the Great die? I've heard many stories on how he died and i need to know for a social studies research project. I will give this site the credit for my report using a biblography. Thank You so much.

-- Katie Carter (ktdogs12@aol.com), April 25, 2003

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He died when a giant lump of Cheese fell on him and he tried to eat his way out, but his stomch became so swollen it burst and he died in agony.
Hope this helps.

-- Sweeny Todd (urallkuntz@hotmial.com), September 22, 2004
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I think at one time, he was just driving his Volvo, smoking some weed in the car, and all of a sudden this cow crosses the road. He had to evade, hit a siderail, drove through a chicken's den and drove against this huge pink dildo that was standing in the middle of the wheat crops. Thank God he was such a small dude, so he managed to crawl ou there, but then he got trampled by evil Protestant bastards. That's how he was killed...according to my history-book.

-- Mega Lo Maniac (eat_my_shorts@godmail.com), March 12, 2004.

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Instead of spending so much time an energy talking about the death of someone who conquered the world thousands of years ago, try looking at your own life. What are you doing today that matters?

-- Casual Observer (PayAttention@rightnow.com), January 18, 2005.

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To much fun at the boys scout meeting.

-- Michael Jackson (jacko@neverland.net), December 04, 2004.

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My cat has this thing stuck in his balls. I'm not too sure what it is. I tried poking it with a poking stick and licked it, but nothing got it off. So finally I went to the vet and said it was herpies. Dont ever let stray cats in ur house with on opened bag of catnip. Pussy orgy!
hope this helps

-- Rip Fuel (huh@wha.com), November 24, 2004.

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I think he stopped breathing or something and this subsequently caused him to die. . .

-- The Historian (onegreathistorian@history.com), November 23, 2004.

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He died because his wiener exploded into a million pieces.

-- Master of Fellatio (wiener@explosion.com), November 09, 2004.
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Alexander the great was subsequently ass raped by a pack of screaming sea dragons at his wedding. after this he was taken outside and made to make love to an african rino hence getting aids and dying

-- Harris Cartwright (HarrisCartwright@hotmail.com.au), August 09, 2004
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I'M NOT DEAD!

-- Alexander the great, June 24, 2004

Whatever Happened To...Part III

Shabba Ranks

Ting-a-ling-a-ling, school bell ring!! Remember that song? Well let me school ya'll n this pioneer of reggae music. After several hit singles and albums Shabba Ranks became the first dancehall artist to win a Grammy. His most memorable song for me was "flex...time to have sex" - let's keep in mind that I was only in 4th grade at the time. This just in..Mad Cobra is the artist that released Flex. My ignorance proceeds me.

But where is "Mr. Loverman" now? Shabba is set to release a new album next month. Let me know how it is because I aint buying it. But all I can think about is why the hell did brothas (and Vanilla Ice) wear that gumby haircut back in the day?

Allure

This group consisted of five girls who sang their hearts out for hmmmmm, 10 maybe 15 seconds. But what really stood out about these girls was their ghetto fabulous names: Linnie, Alia, Lalisha, Akissa and last but not least Laquoia. (Try saying that 5 times fast..if you can pronounce them!) I believe Laquoia was kicked out of the group early on and was unable to enjoy the brief success of the group. Girl, you aint miss nothing...

"What sets Allure apart from other artists," says Akissa, "is that we really want to have a career. We 're not looking to have one hit record - we are looking for a lifetime of hits."

I wonder if Akissa still has her foot in her mouth? True, the group released subsequent albums but nothing came close to the success of their first effort.

I still love the song they did with 112, "All Cried Out" but I have to say, these chicks fell off. The problem was, and this is only my opinion, the group was too crowded. Four cute girls can do okay for a while but four average looking chicks with makeup on? Now that's asking a lot. (Just kidding- these ladies are beautiful...in a housepet kind of way)

- a perfect example would be Destiny's Child. They had to slim down to three females before they could fit through the proverbial doorway to stardom. Furthermore, you always have to have one person that outshines the others. How many successful female groups are making hit after hit? And the ones that have worked have had 3-4 girls tops. TLC, En Vogue, The Supremes, Xscape...wait a minute. What happened to Xscape?

Xscape


Let's start from the beginning. Xscape's debut album was titled, "Hummin' Comin' At 'Cha". So ladylike. Anyway, this R&B quartet consisted of two sisters, Latavia and Latoya -excuse me, Latocha and Tamika Scott and friends Kandi Buress and Tameka Cottle aka "Tiny".

When they first emerged, there was something about them that I could quite put my finger on. Something about those baggy jumpers and oversized t-shirts. I think the proper term would be...dyke-ish. This was before the term became mainstream and it became cool for girls to dance with girls. I was actually very attracted to one member of the group and the tomboy stylings did not help. I take that term "dyke" back and replace it with...let's say "androgynous".

Kandi went solo and did lots of song writing for other artists. Most memorably penning the 1999 Grammy winning hit, No Scrubs. Tameka is now an ordained minister and recorded a gospel album. By no means were these ladies one hit wonders. I would feel very comfortable buying their second and third albums.

Gorillas in the Mist

No, this is not a post about Sigourney Weaver.

During a pseudo-intellectual conversation with a good friend the following question was posed: "If homo-sapiens evolved from apes, why are there still apes around?"

At first I said that's interesting because I always thought when an animal/mammal evolves it completely changes. For example you don't see short neck giraffes roaming the countryside or wherever they roam about. Point is, you just don't see it.

But then I thought about it some more. A few days went by and it dawned on me... coyotes and wolves are still around despite having evolved into domestic dogs.

So that answers that question. Now, what the hell does pseudo-intellectual mean?

My first nightclub experience...

Yeah you read that right. I'm 23 years old and last night I went to a club for the first time. I was so disappointed.

Never seen so many beautiful women dressed like street hookers. I guess I need to get out more because apparently this has been going on for ages. They crave that type of attention from men even if its purely sexual.

My good friend Ms. Thomas asked me to go out and I happily accepted the offer. I was excited to finally see what all the buzz is about. Whenever I go out at night its usually to dinner and a movie. I'm not sure if a club is a step up or a step down...

But, I must confess that I cannot dance. Again, your eyes do not deceive you, I am a young black female with no rhythm. Well, actually I should say no rhythm on the dancefloor. The boudoir is a whole 'nother story! And don't get it twisted I can work the pole too.

Speaking of which, today I saw the chiro again. I did not seduce him. I kept my hands to myself and just let the massage table go to work on my back. I had the Lyfe cd blasting in the background. The entire office could hear it pretty clearly and everyone loved it! I told you he was the man!!!!

I'm trying to get on his promo team. Lyfe, if by some chance you are reading this, don't waste time- go ahead and shoot yourself now. You've officially hit rock bottom. Stop reading!!!!

Chester "Lyfe" Jennings

The best new artist you've never heard of is Chester "Lyfe" Jennings and he has an album out titled Lyfe 268-192. Please believe this man is like John Legend, Musiq Soulchild, India Arie, Al Green, and a touch of Tupac (for the realness factor) all rolled into one being.

The 26 year old Toledo, Ohio native made a name for himself by winning Amateur Night at the Apollo 5 times! His style is so unlike anything on the charts right now and it's refreshing to hear a young man sing with so much passion and truth. Listening to his album is like being resuscitated. He'll definitely breathe new life into you.

He reveals a lot of his personal angst and triumphs by singing about his 10 year prison bid and baby momma drama. This is nothing new but it's the way he delivers his message that sets him apart from anything that's been said and done before. The song, She Got Kids, talks about a love interest that has children and how hard this is for a man to deal with. Sure it can be done, but he explains that he doesn't want to expose and innocent child to a man that "may one day decide he's tired of the family life"...true, true.

A self taught acoustic guitar, bass and piano player, Lyfe puts his soul into every note. His album is an instant classic in my opinion because it's been in my cd player on repeat for the past 4 days.

To learn more about this extraordinary artist, visit his official website http://2lyfe.com

Suns vs. Mavericks

Did you see the game last night????


Oh...my...god it was good. Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns point guard and winner of this years MVP award, fought hard against his old team, the Dallas Mavericks. It's always entertaining to see someone face their old teammates on the court.

Dirk Nowitzki hit a turnaround jumper with only 6.8 seconds left. Nash made a unsuccessful attempt to answer but couldn't follow through as he passed the ball to teammate Quentin Richardson. Despite having a good look, Q failed to make the basket. This secured the Mavericks' victory at 108-106.



Judging by the way the Mavericks played last night, I wouldn't be surprised to see this best of seven series go all the way. This was a good battle. Both teams are 1-1 and game 3 is set for this coming Friday. I wouldn't be surprised if the Mavs take the next win since they'll have the home court advantage next round.

A picture of me...

Massage Therapy

If I hadn't mentioned it before, I was in a car accident April 18, 2005. It wasn't a big deal but the front driver's side of my car is dented and I feel a lot of pain in my back and shoulder blade area. And I say that to say this...

not that I think a lawyer is going to read this (because it was the other guys fault) it's just that I've recently found a chiropractor that can help me with this pain.

He tried to seduce me.

First he wanted me to wear my cowboy hat throughout the entire session. He said he was a cowboy and liked to ride...hmmmmmm. Then he asked me to lie down on my stomach and he began to massage my back and arms. Suddenly I felt him tickling me! I laughed because I'm extremely ticklish but I warned him that from now on I am only sitting in the massage chair for 15 minutes then I'm leaving.

But then I thought about it. He was kinda cute and next appointment I might ask him for another massage. If he can do that for me is he willing to massage anywhere I asked him to?

My thighs are aching a little. Among other places. I'll have to wear a skirt that day. Did I ever mention that I did the same thing to my gyn? Now he's hot... Oh god he's so hot.

I hope you know that I'm joking. Or maybe I'm not. I'm so not joking. Just kidding.

MVP

Shaq was robbed!!! I know that Steve Nash is a great player and probably deserves all kinds of recognition and accolades but you have to admit that Shaq was more deserving of the MVP award.

If only they'd measured how well your previous team performs without you. Shaq left The Lakers to go on to The Miami Heat while point guard Steve Nash left the Dallas Mavericks to go on to the Phoenix Suns. Let's check in on their former teams shall we?

The Lakers will miss the playoffs for the first time in 11 years while the Mavericks are still in. Need I say more? No. And I won't.

I know there are other factors that are taken into consideration when deciding who is the most valuable player, but I also know Shaq is MVP and should have gotten that award this year.

Anyway, I'm sitting here listening to this new cd by Lyfe. I'll get into that on a later date. I gotta go sip on some sizzurp.

Mother's Day

I'm a mother of two boys and I bet you think I'm gonna get all mushy on you because of Mother's Day.

I sure as hell aint. Quite the contrary my friends. I got a problem with this so called day of the celebration of the mother. (that didn't flow right and I'm too lazy to go back and fix it)

But I was starting to make a point. Oh yeah, Mother's Day like all holidays has become more about money than sentiment.

I went shopping at money machine Filene's (I used to work for these greedy bastards) I only went there because I had two gift cards and I wanted to buy my favorite perfume, Cashmere Mist...and a DKNY cropped jean jacket with pink, green and purple brooches with the DKNY capri jeans to match. Donna Karan made a few dollars off of me that day. I had my kids with me and practically every man that passed me felt the urge to say, "Happy Mother's Day!"

Being the overthinker that I am I felt like I should get this treatment every day of the year. Especially when I'm out with the kids. When I'm walking into a store and I struggle with the 3000 lb doors and I manuever that stroller with one hand all the while trying to keep my 5 year old from running off- as soon as I accomplish this mighty feat someone should be waiting there to commend me on a job well done.

And then there are the sales. Nothing says "mom" like a Dirt Devil half priced one day only.

Liggity lyrics to Pumps and a Bump...need I stiggity say more?

Verse 1:
Just when I thought could I hit another one
So up jumps see me with the pumps and a bump
All stiggitty stiggity girls, getting on my good nerves
Looking like ice cream ready to be served
Wreck it, check it, can I get in it
If you wanna kick it with a G baby here's me
Cause I come equipped, I'm a pimp, a slippity slip, I suppose you take a trip

I don't like 'em stiggity fat! (No!)
I like 'em stiggity stacked (Yeah!)
You wiggity wiggity wack if you ain't got biggity back (Awwww!)
So when you hear the rump shaking on the dance floor
Keep you bottling get your eyes and get hypnotized
But a nigga like me will dance up to some chopping and chewing
Keep em bottling you know I keep 'em bobbing
I put my fingerprints all over that rump
I'm guilty as hell but I love the pumps and the bump! (Ow!)

Say Bible...

Hi George!! George is the co-author of this here post and we want to send everyone down memory lane with some 90's slang. Let's start from the beginning shall we?

Remember saying things like, "Did you see that new Zhane' video? Yo, that joint was dope. And that song? It's the bomb!

"And what about that new Biggie single? It's tight right? Say word you not feelin' Biggie? Let me find out you hatin' on B.I.G. Dude got a song out every week! He's off the ringer, cousin!

"Yo check this out, check this out son. How you gon' like Craig Mack but not Biggie. You set trippin'... Word is bond son you buggin' out!"

Other notable slang terms:

Oh dip!
Oh snap!
Chill
Aiight
Word
Trust
Buggin'
Let me find out...
the bomb
dope
phat
off the hook/off the chain/off the ringer
talk to the hand
that's butta
blazin'
mark
busta
hootchie
pigeon
scrub
chillin'
on the d.l.
I'm 'bout to jet
frontin'
that's key
that's trife
knockin' boots
lock down
peace out
"Can't we all just get along?"