This is the remix...

I'm not trying to be funny, that's the only picture I could find of Faith Evans! You don't believe me, do you?

Alright I confess. I thought it would be funny. Was it? I'll include a better picture at the end of this post. Honest. I'm a Faith fan myself.

I recently heard Mary J.'s remake of 50 Cent protege' The Game's "Hate It or Love It" and I had to say, I loved it! It felt good to have Mary back. But then a couple of days later I heard Faith Evans' remake of The Game's "How We Do".

Did someone behind the scenes give these two ladies the exact same idea? Make a comeback by taking the latest hot single and do a remake? While Mary J. Blige is the undisputed Queen of Hip Hop Soul, Faith has also held it down for years. But after hearing Mary J.'s remix, Faith's song sounded like a rip off. It was still good but didn't seem original.

That's sad because I remember when Faith came out and she sounded a lot like Mary. I read an interview where Mary expressed her anger regarding this fact. She stated Puff, Bad Boy Entertainment CEO, was giving Faith songs that were more her style. By right, Faith deserved that attention. While Mary was being produced by P. Diddy at that time, Faith was signed to the Bad Boy label. Mary would go on to state this is the reason she stopped working with him.

Now, fast forward to 2005 and they both have comeback albums in the works (Faith has a head start at the moment)and coincidentally they both have remixes that are burning up the mixtape circuit.

Well what do you know? I guess it's true when they say there is no such thing as coincidences.

I wonder if there's an internet poll about this? Who's remix is hotter? I would hate to compare these two but the entertainment industry loves the drama and so do I.

Who Dat?

In my opinion, the worst songs in rap history are:

based on lyrics...
JT Money -Who Dat? featuring Sole' (both artists are equally wack)
Jay-Z -Hey Papi "promise you'll never let me go promise you'll never leave me" ???
Timbaland and Magoo -Love 2 Love U
Limp Bizkit featuring Redman and Method Man- All In Together Now (even though I used to kill it)

There's a lot more but I don't have time to think of any more. :(
I've got to get a cd made with all these songs on it. Especially Hammer's Pumps and a Bump...

I just bought some new cd's: Jet, The Verve -Urban Hymns, Mary J. Blige -My Life, Gza - Legend of the Liquid Swords, Kanye West and Ghostface Killah - Bulletproof Wallets (don't get your balloon popped!)

"Yo, too many songs weak rhymes is mad long, I'll make it brief son half short and twice strong."-GZA/Genius

Don't chew the Trojan gum, it tastes like rubber...

So yeah, when I was little and used to travel "down south" we'd stop at the strangest places. I used to love stopping at the NJ Turnpike rest stop that has Roy Rogers. I'd go into the bathroom and make it a habit to read the random thoughts on the walls. Once, I even found something written by someone I knew!

But sometimes I'd see things no child should ever see. Some adults wouldn't be able to stomach some of the content. But I used to read it and stare in awe at the artwork. The smell of fresh magic marker and messages carved into wood symbolized my innocence being forever tarnished and marked for death. Ok, maybe it wasn't that deep but those insane thoughts still traumatized me to some extent.

Every now and then I still experience flashbacks. I'll be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly feel the need to say, "Your shit must feel real good if your looking up here."

Maybe I should share some of the writings that have stuck with me throughout my life...

"Everybody pisses on the floor, be a hero and shit on the ceiling"

"Why look here? The jokes in your hand."

Here I sit all broken hearted.
Tried to shit but only farted.
Then one day I took a chance,
tried to fart and shit my pants.

"Save fuel. Get cremated with a friend!"

"Pity the poor bastard who's poetic ability is enhanced by the smell of shit."

"Please Do Not Throw Toothpicks in the Urinals, The Crabs Can Pole Vault."

See how this can be difficult to comprehend as a child. This placed me light years ahead of other kids my age. But there was one event that I really should mention. One time I mistakingly went into the men's bathroom. There was a vending machine that not only sold condoms but all kinds of sex toys and informational packets. What kind of scoundrel buys information on venereal diseases from a vending machine?

This is where I was introduced to french ticklers. True story. When I got into high school it became a big trend to get your tongue pierced with what the teens were referring to as "barbells". I was the only one that knew the correct term, french tickler. And because of this, I automatically knew what they were for. Every time someone got their tongue pierced I just knew they were sexpots. Ready to have all kinds of foreign objects dipped in for spontaneous pleasure.

And when I saw men getting their tongues pierced...and you said you're NOT gay, right? Should I ignore those hickeys on the back of your neck or what?

They're thinking for you...

I hate listening to the radio. When I'm driving in my car I don't want some loud, obnoxious disc jockey making decisions for me. If he wants to replay "Candy Shop" three times in a row and do spontaneous remixes, do it when you're off the air. I don't need that crap. I'm quick to change the station too. And this can get dangerous when you're driving.

And I don't like the idea of being programmed. Who are "they" to determine what I should listen to and at what hour. This is scary because "they" can prevent you from hearing certain music and overload your brain with crap that you don't need.

The radiowaves alone are enough to program your mind without even having to turn on the radio. There have been plenty 'o times that I've heard a song in my head and then turned to a station and whoa! the song is playing! How did I know that song was playing? The radiowaves where bouncing around in my head and my brain tuned in before I did. Has this happened to you? Please say yes....

The same goes for television programming. Lately, I haven't been held captive by the tube because my cable isn't set up yet. I'm supposed to be getting Dish Network which has 800 channels but you only watch four of them. Regardless of how many music, movie, and news channels you give me, I'm only gonna tune into Comedy Central, BET, HBO, and MTV. I could live off of Comedy Central alone.

But I was making a point. Or was I? Oh yeah. The t.v. has ways to program you. This new technology allows you to to program your television to the point where the t.v. is making suggestions based on what it "thinks" you like. Who wants their t.v. thinking for them? Pretty soon the world is going to be run by electronics. Watch I-Robot and you'll see what I mean.

Shows I used to love

Does anyone remember Uptown Comedy Club? The sketch comedy show was an affiliate of Uptown Records...I wonder which came first, Def Comedy Jam of Def Jam or Uptown Comedy? I'm surprised more record labels didn't venture into the comedy business.

There's a show that I used to love watching that no one ever seems to remember- Out of This World. The main character was a girl named Evie who had the power to stop time....Apparently her dad was an alien and for her birthday gave her three choices for a gift, the ability to fly, read minds (i think), or stop time. (Her dad, Troy was the voice of Burt Reynolds)

I used to love Ghostwriter!!!! I learned a lot about computers by watching this show. I had a computer class in middle school but all I learned was how to make banners....

I actually used to tape The Arsenio Hall Show. One of the last shows that I recorded had a performance by Snoop Dogg and his young protege' Lil' Bow Wow who was only 6 years old at the time. They wore matching Florida Dolphin's football jerseys with white hoodies underneath. It was cute. Years later Bow Wow signed with Jermaine Dupri at So So Def and Snoop Dogg was cut completely out of the loop. HA!
I wonder if anyone else remembers that episode.

The Original 50 Cent

I recently stumbled upon a dvd titled "The Infamous Times" hosted by this laid back convicted felon Bonz Malone. I've never heard of this guy but I guess he's a journalist of some sort.

This just in: Bonz Malone is a somebody. He has penned screenplays for 1998's Slam and 2000's Brooklyn Babylon which he also acted in. Malone was the second youngest magazine writer when he wrote for Spin Magazine while still in high school. In his own words, "I drop a joint in every aspect of the media. I've never been one flavor except dope."

Wow. What do you say after a statement like that?

But, one of the documentaries on this dvd chronicled the life of Brooklyn gangsta Kelvin Darnell Martin -the original 50 Cent. Allegedly, 50 Cent the rapper aka Curtis Jackson, took on Martin's name out of respect. However, I highly suspect that 50's motive was to take a big name and live off of the fame that it carried on it's own-a la MC Gusto of CB4.

Kelvin Martin was killed at the age of 23. The documentary is appropriately titled, The Original 50 Cent. It's worth checking out.

You know I'm not gon' dis you on the internet Part II

I won't name names. I won't do it. But I will however, tell you about a conversation that I overheard today.

I was in a class about mastering your emotions and the instructor said to everyone, "Sometimes you have to be flexible in a relationship. You have to accept certain things that you don't agree with." The lady sitting next to me said to her friend, "I'm not bending for nobody, I mold my man."

I thought to myself, damn. When she goes home she better take a good look at him because he's not a man.

First of all, you can't change people. Secondly, who wants a man that can be shaped and molded? I prefer a man with a backbone myself...

That was the dumb comment of the day.

Speaking of dumb, I remember someone told me(and again I won't name names)that if I put toothpaste on a burn, it'll disappear by the end of the day. I was young...and gullable. I was curling my hair and burned my forehead with the curling iron.

Now you can imagine that I wanted to get rid of this burn because I thought I was the bomb. No fives! Who still says that??

But I digress...I wanted to make this burn go away asap so I tried the toothpaste method and guess what? It stung like the dickens. The dickens?...I don't have time to go into analyze mode. Let focus on my stupidity shall we?

Three months later I took school pictures and the burn mark was still there.

I've heard of putting toothpaste on pimples though. I've also heard of putting butter on burns. But toothpaste on burns? Maybe you can put butter on pimples...

Mitch Hedberg 1968-2005

On March 30, 2005 the world lost a great comic. Mitch Hedberg was famous for his one-liners which ranged from the absurd to the mundane. He made you cock your head at life and wonder if every little thing in this world could be neatly picked apart and made into pure comedy.
I have provided a few of his quotes for your reading pleasure.
He will surely be missed. Hedberg was just 37 years old.

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

"I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets."

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside."

"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips..."

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. "

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying, 'Here. You throw this away.'"

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty."

and my favorite:

"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."

R.I.P

Ikea: 50 cent hot dogs

Ikea sells hot dogs.

Ikea sells hot dogs for two quarters.

Why doesn't Ikea have a line full of homeless people? Or a line full of starving Ethiopian children? Now I believe the commercial that says for 13 cents a day you can feed a starving family of four.

But wait,there's more. In addition to the hot dog you also get bread, mustard and ketchup! Absurd! How does this happen? We need to put a stop to this. Something is utterly wrong with this picture. How is it possible for them to sell a hot dog for 50 cents and 7-eleven's hot dogs are...well I don't know how much their hot dogs sell for but I'm sure it's more than two quarters.

This reminds me of the Top Ramen soups where you add water then peas, carrots and corn magically appear. It's a conspiracy folks.

And they're 100% beef. Or so they say... I'm sure they're trying to cater to the Muslim community....greedy bastards.

Ikea: 99 problems...I will give you 5

I recently moved into a new apartment and became a victim of Ikea. Let me gripe for a moment.

Problem #1: Before I stepped one foot in the door I called to ask if they have a delivery service. The representative told me they only deliver within a certain mile radius of the store. My town was too far away to qualify she said.

I know my apt was only 10-15 minutes away and she could not be correct about this so I went to the store anyway. When I walked in it looked like a warehouse. I couldn't believe it! This is what all the hype is about? But then I went upstairs....

WOW!

Everything was set up on display. They placed items together to give the feel of multiple studio apartments. It was too good to be true. And it was. We are not gathered here today to make Ikea look good. Let's get back to the problems.

Problem #2- the carts. You push the carts in one direction and they take you in another. Maybe they're made that way to prevent shoppers from running out of the store with a cartful of merchandise. You're running for the door and all of sudden the cart turns toward the security office. I asked one to cashiers what was wrong with them- his reply was, "They're European". Oh yeah? Well you're an asshole.

I saw a king size bed that I absolutely adored. I wanted everything that was in that room. The bed, the lounge chair, the wardrobe closets, the lamp...even the painting off the wall.
Turns out they did deliver in my area but they only delivered the head and footboard to my bed. They never told me I had to buy slates and rails separately. That was problem # 3.

Which brings me to the best thing about Ikea. Their return policy. You see I bought alot of shit I didn't need so I returned some items hassle free. However, the information on their receipt paper seemed to magically disappear. Hmmm. But as I saw this happening I wrote in some of the numbers before they were completely illegible. Aha!

Problem #4. I should not have gone to Ikea on a Sunday. The lines were terrible.

Problem #5. Certain items have to be picked up and you have to wait for them to bring out you stuff. Doesn't sound too bad right? You are so wrong! I waited so long I thought a doctor was going to come out and tell me to get undressed from the waist down. Actually that would have been an excellent end to my day...