Food For Thought Part II

Ok, I shouldn't talk so bad about my family's food problems because I have a couple of confessions to make.

A few years ago my family was preparing food for a cookout. My sister was in charge of the potato salad and incidentally had a bowl full of potatoes soaking in water on the table.

Ok.

Earlier that morning someone stopped up the toilet (it wasn't me) and the bathroom flooded causing water to leak through the kitchen ceiling. We'd thought the problem had been solved but I noticed that water was still dripping from the ceiling and to my dismay (gasp!) - directly into the bowl of potatoes!

I didn't say anything. I just made sure I didn't eat any of it.

Now. If you thought that was terrible and cruel of me I actually did something worse. For Memorial Day, my family had another barbecue. Again my sister was in charge of the potato salad but she also helped with the chicken. Instead of letting the chicken thaw out in the fridge, she had it sitting in the sink.

I was unaware of this fact until I went to throw out some water that I'd used to give my mom a pedicure. Yeah, you guessed it. I poured the dirty water into the sink with the chicken still in there.

Before you go thinking that I'm a terrible person, my family has done many things to me as well. I couldn't tell you how many times they've slipped pork into my food or put cigarette butts into my soda can or scooped out a roach from the sugar bowl without telling anyone...

Funny Looking

Ok. So to be a comedianne you must have something horribly wrong with you right? I mean, even the prettiest female comics resort to pulling strange faces and funny expressions to make themselves more likable.

Are we still in the Ice Age folks? Or was that the Stone Age when men treated women like crap. Actually, I think that would be This Day and Age.

So anyway, the point is you rarely see a beautiful comic. A perfect example would be this season's Last Comic Standing. I have no idea why the judges picked these people to live in the house but having a disability must have something to do with it.

Ok, I'll admit the cerebral palsy guy is hilarious but the lady with the short legs is dumb corny. When they asked her why she decided to do comedy she answered, "Because I really hate myself."

Not that she didn't have good reason but that sort of proves my point. You have to be able to make fun of yourself because that's the only way people can laugh in your face without being mean.

And if you're drop dead gorgeous (is that how you spell that?) what do people have to laugh at? Your jokes? No. Because the best jokes are the personal ones - otherwise people are gonna assume that you have a ghostwriter.

This parallels with female rappers. No one believes Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown wrote their own stuff but do people accuse Remy of this? No. Because Remy has a man-face and therefore garners more respect of her male counterparts and fans. No disrespect to Remy. Hopefully she has the ability to laugh at herself.

And that sort of proves my point as well. Remy could easily moonlight as a comedianne whereas Lil' Kim could not.

Is this worth analyzing? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. You wanna know why? Because I wanna do stand up comedy and I think I'd be great at it. What do you guys think? Maybe I should get some prescription glasses first...

Food For Thought

Why does my family think it's ok to leave eggs out of the fridge? Not only that but they see nothing wrong with leaving a jar of mayo on the table.

The jelly goes in the cabinet but they put peanut butter and bread in the refridgerator! (Did I spell that right?)

Milk and orange juice gets left out for hours...Soda and, if close to the expiration date, bread goes in the freezer.

Who freezes bread? Stop buying two and three loaves a bread at one time! No one eats that much bread!

Except for my son. He will eat a three course meal and somehow will always have room for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Actually both my kids have this addiction. I had to start buying sugerfree jelly - I had no idea this existed!

So when I eat at my mom's house I stay away from the potato salad.

You know what else they do? They'll cook spaghetti and leave the leftover meatsauce on the stove. The following evening, the sauce will still be on the stove. What happens next will make you want to vomit in your sleep. They heat up the sauce and eat it!

And they'll do this with everything. Roast beef, pork chops (I take no part in the eating of the pig by the way), chicken, you name it. If it's the following day it's okay.

And don't get me started on the jars of grease that grace the countertops. I despise this habit! I can hardly ever eat at my moms house because they'll use the pork chop grease to fry the chicken! These are dirty tactics so that after I finish my drumstick they can laugh at me and say things like, "You're still living aren't you?"

But why are people so scared to throw away grease? Afraid of clogging your drains, are you? Well, imagine what it's doing to your arteries! Are you really more concerned about the plumbing than your own heart?

Give a man a car and he will drive away. Teach a man to drive and he will...drive away?

If you can think of a better way to say that, please strap your thinking caps on and help me out here. Thanks.

So now that I've gotten a new car I look at people in beat up cars with such pity. I know, it wasn't too long ago that I was pushing an accident riddled vehicle with a door missing but those days are gone!

When you have a new car you start to do things differently. For instance, it doesn't matter how high the gas prices are these days, I'm driving my car everywhere! And don't get me wrong, it's not to show it off. I'm just used to driving without AC and now that I have it, I practically live in my car.

Speaking of showing off your car, have you guys ever gotten a new whip and have the urge to drive past your old high school? As if someone's gonna recognize you! You graduated in 1987 - who are you trying to impress, the teachers?! But I do it all the time. And what pisses me off is how some students will have nicer cars anyway. Like one day I saw this girl driving a BMW with GO BULLDOGS! painted on the windows.

Why do high school graduates get celebrated so much? Some students get new cars at their graduation, some get huge parties, big trips, money, etc. Why? You did what you're supposed to do!

Maybe I'm bitter because all I got at my high school graduation was a baby. And an army recruiter trying to ship me off to Fort Jackson. I'd never been so happy to be pregnant...the rest was downhill from there.

Instead of going to the army, I went off to experience the campus life. I wasn't visibly pregnant yet so I did things the way every other student did. I ate alot of takeout, went to alot of parties, and drank alot of alcohol. I know, I know - I wasn't 21 yet, right?

But then as the semester came to a close reality set in. My belly was huge and I knew I wouldn't continue to the next semester. Community college here I come.

So now, after years of mediocracy, I finally got my new car. Well, it's not brand new but newer than my old car. But the point is I got it all by myself... my very own 1993 Escalade. What's up with that?

Holy Crap

So, I last posed the question: Would you feel differently about Jesus if he in fact had a wife and child?

To answer my own question, I wouldn't feel different. And I'll tell you why. Are you paying attention? Ok. Here it is. And yes, I am stalling to think of an intelligent answer.

Alright.

Alright.

I wouldn't feel differently if Jesus had a wife and child because...it would only strengthen the respect that I have for this man. If he was subject to all the mortal stresses and lived life as anyone else would - then it would make him a extraordinary person to withstand the horrors that he went through to save us. He endured so much...

I couldn't do it. Would you? Ok, that's not another question I expect you to answer but still...

So, in keeping with the topic here I must confess something to you all. I briefly (and I mean briefly) thought of becoming a preacher. It was either that or a pimp and I'm too nice to be slapping bitches.

I mean, there's a lot of money in that profession yes. But, the main reason was to be able to tell people about themselves and get away with it.

I'd say something like, "You slut! You're going around town whorin'! You sleep with everyone's man and you think it's sexy! Do you wanna go to hell?! Do you?!"

And the response I'd get would be amazing. People would thank me and appreciate that I have shown them the light. And then you get to wear those nice robes and look important.

I wanna slam my hand down on the pulpit just once! It looks so cool.

But back to the issues. Because I have issues. My thing is there's a holy war going on inside my head. Sometimes I start to do a certain thing that some people would view as not being "Christian". Ok. But on the other hand I don't feel that it's particularly wrong just not something I'd want the church to know about.

Like wearing makeup and earrings. Wearing jeans or a short mini skirt. Going to the club. Snorting coke. Things like that.

Did I mention that I've been clean for 6 months? Yeah...

My Movie Minute

I just finished watching The Godfather trilogy. Yeah, it's something I should've done long ago but better late than never right?

One of the things I liked most about these movies is how real the makeup looked. I mean, you were able to watch the characters age right before your eyes. Yeah, I've seen this done a million times in other movies but in The Godfather even the different actors that played the characters at different ages looked alike.

Ok, if that confused you allow me to explain. In the Godfather Part II, Robert Dinero didn't particulary look like a young Marlon Brando. However, with the hair and makeup combined with the facial expressions and body language you could see how someone that looked as svelte and sexy as Dinero could one day look like a stockier Marlon Brando. Very realistic.

And a young Al Pacino! I kept having to go back to the original Godfather to take a look at how tender Pacino looked back then. But it's amazing how easy the directors transformed him into a ganster and eventually to a dying old man whose memories were tainted by death.

I noticed that Nicholas Cage helped direct The Godfather part III. What? Maybe he had something to do with all the symbolism hidden within the storyline.

And I saw the DaVinci Code last night too. Boy was that movie long. But it's weird watching a movie for the first time but you know exactly what's gonna happen next. You see, I have the book and I've read it twice.

I actually prefer to read a book first than see the movie first. With a book you read it little by little and let the suspense build up. And when you're done you move onto a new book because it's not a page turner anymore. With a movie, you can watch it over and over and "see" things you didn't notice before. A book will literally spell out all of the mysteries as you read along.

Speaking of the DaVinci Code would any of you still view Jesus the same if he in fact had a wife and child? We'll discuss this further in a post I'll title - "Holy Crap".

What's new pussycat?

Yesterday I accomplished another first. I got a bikini wax!

I must be one of the last women on earth to do this but I've always been afraid to do it. And as it turns out - I had a good reason to be petrified. As I was lying on the table feeling as though the procedure would never end, I thought to myself - this must be what a scalping feels like...

And to make matters worse, it took approx. an hour! (and yes I abbreviated that because I don't know how to spell approx.) And I know what you all are thinking. I must have had a lot of hair to remove, right? So what! I've always felt comfortable with my protective patch. It's like a shield and plus it helps prevent chafing.

Anyway, enough about my now naked pussycat with the ultra sexy landing strip. Yes, I did not opt for the brazilian wax - I'm a beginner for crying out loud.

And boy did I cry out loud. But not for the obvious reason. What I objected to most was the salon's hygiene practices. Let me fill you in on how this place operates.

The first thing they did was wax my eyebrows. I noticed that they retrieved the wax from a "community" bowl with a spatula that was already waiting beside it. Afterwards she clips stray eyebrow hairs with a pair of scissors. OK.

After getting my nails done, they escort me back to the same room where I got my eyebrows waxed. When she begins the bikini waxing procedure, she brings over the SAME "community" bowl of wax and the SAME spatula she used for the eyebrows! When she trims my landing strip she uses the SAME scissors!

It doesn't take much to figure out that she wasn't gonna throw out that "community" bowl when the next person came in for an eyebrow wax. If I start to grow pubic hair on my eyebrows I'm throwing a trash can through that salon's window.

Was it worth the pain? Yes. But I'm definitely going to a different salon for my next treatment. Suggestions anyone?

Can I say something?

It seems as though the most interesting people on this planet are ex-offenders. Why is that? This almost makes me want to become addicted to heroin for a while only to say, "I've been clean for 16 years."

That would make me a drug addict at the age of 7 but who's counting? Apparently me.

It just sounds so cool to say, "I've been sober 18 months." And people tend to admire you too. You become an instant hero - or in my case, heroin. Ha! Get it?! Alright, let's move on...

And people tend to babysit for addicts more often. Shit, I wanna go to the club sometimes too! But, people don't just babysit. I mean, they'll take custody of your kids for years while you dance the night away. I'm just waiting for the day that I can ask someone to watch my kids for two years while I get an associate's degree at least. It's not like I'm going for my master's!

But that's the way we live in this day and age. You come home from jail and you get a party a la Doughboy from Boyz N Da Hood (did I ghetto-fy that title correctly?) But, let's say you come home from college for the summer. You have to sleep on the couch because there's a crack baby sleeping in your bed!

I apologize to any crack babies reading this blog. Are there any special scholarships for crack babies? If so, I'd like to take a look at these applicants. Personally, I'd be too embarrased to admit that I was born on crack. But, then again I could say I've been clean for 24 years and technically, I'd be right!

Would that make me interesting?