Extreme Makeover - Whore Edition (don't ask)

While I'm still reeling from my sudden spurt of cockiness yesterday, (oooh that sounds sexy), please excuse me while I nibble on some humble pie.

Mmmm. Delicious.

Ok. I'm back. Ready to serve all those willing to read my unpretentious blog of note. In case you failed to notice, I want to sound smart today. Is it working...is it really happening for me? I'm going for a makeover. No. I don't wear makeup so this makeover will be one that involves the mind and spirit. Some of it will involve style of dress but that will be the least of my concerns for now. I want to be one of those people that read the dictionary often and travel to the library on occasion just to be in the midst of thinkers.

Knowing me I'll most likely end up in the presence of some pedophile in the YA section scoping out the Sweet Valley High series. Mumbling things of cornballarity such as, "Hmmm, I'd like to thumb through your card catalog".

But I digress.

I keep thinking that my vocabulary is very limited. And to make matters worse, I often say this out loud. Sometimes you can create ideas in your head and then they really start to come to fruition. So, if within conversation I struggle to find an appropriate word to use at that moment, I'll say - or think to myself, "my vocabulary is terrible". And you know what happens? It becomes true. The person in front of me believes it, I believe it - it must be so!

No. I have an excellent vobulary (very very poor speller/big typo maker though) (I have a habit of noticing errors, writing about them, but not correcting them) (I also have a habit of using parenthesis-es (see what I mean about that spelling?) in the middle of sentences). I need to stop being so hard on myself! AAAAAHHHH!

Hand me another slice of humble pie, please. I'm about to go on a rant and I don't want to sound too big headed.

I want a penis. No, not a man with a penis. I just want a penis. Not for the obvious reason - to be able to go fuck myself like people have been telling me to do for years - but to be able to pee standing up.

I'm sick and tired of squatting down over toilets! That is so unsanitary. I never ever ever sit on public toilets. I recall when I was younger strategically placing toilet paper over the seats then sitting down if I needed to get extra comfortable. I also remember getting smarter and doubling the pieces of toilet paper- then getting even smarter and using store flyers (more durable) - the getting even more smarter-er and not sitting on the seat at all. Instead, backing up over the toilet and god forbid the porcelain touches the back of my legs! So cold and nasty, ugh..

I used to love the cool feeling of the water hitting my bottom after I flushed the toilet. I'd almost orgasm at times but that's another story. I'm sure you'd love to hear it too. But then I read about how germs and bacteria shoot up out the toilet when you flush. Scientists say that when viewed with fluorescent lighting it shoots up like a mushroom cloud - a la atomic bomb over Hiroshima.

Nowadays, I close the lid before I flush. I suggest you all do the same. And that's what being smart is all about. Sharing what you know. Makeover complete. Have a great day folks.