Fondle 'Em Records

Hey. I write poetry by the way.

But, I am very skeptical about posting my poems because I'm afraid someone will steal them. Not that their that good. Or maybe they are.

And not that many people visit my blog. Or maybe they do.

Should I post a few? Leave a comment letting me know.

Meanwhile, let's talk about something of extreme importance: Why do hip hop artists give their record labels silly names? There's no way L.L. Cool J. (whose name somehow skirted past the silliest rap name of all time list) shouldn't have been president of Def Jam years ago. He just let Jay-Z come in and take his spot. But I suppose Jay-Z has done more as far as sales and promotion.

But let me get back to my point...

L.L. Cool J's label is titled Rock the Bells Records. Are you kidding me? Imagine being announced as a Rock the Bells recording artist...

Aretha Franklin probably got tired of thinking of creative names when she finally decided on Aretha's Records. Sounds like some basement recording studio.

Foxy Brown's label is reportedly titled, Ill Na Na Entertainment. Why, Foxy? I love you girl but come on... what's next, Boogie Brown Entertainment? Hot Spot Entertainment? Fever Records? Actually that one sounds pretty good. It's ok Fox, you can have that one. You need some creative thinkers in your corner.

I guess the idea here is to name your label after your biggest hit. If that's the case, Sisqo's label should be named Thong tha thong thong thong Entertainment...

Then there's Fondle 'Em Records. Bobbita Garcia is responsible for this. I will not waste my time with this one...

Shady Records. How could he expand his roster with a name like that? I know people love Eminem but I am not a big Slim Shady fan. The man has got skills but so did MC Brains of Oochie Coochie La La La Entertainment fame.

Ricki Fake

Speaking of talk shows (see previous post), I bet a lot of people do remember the Richard Bey Show. He was the pre-Jerry Springer sleazy talk show where anything went. And went it did.

Sometimes he'd bring previous guests back to comment on new guests. I remember one lady in particular named Nivea. My high school sweetheart and I agreed that we'd name our first baby girl after her.

Then there were times when he pay people to drink nasty concoctions. This was years before this was made popular by reality shows such as Fear Factor. Someone owes this man some money. Royalties or something. If that's possible.

I remember he was sponsored by 1-800-lawyer or was it 1-800-uslawyer. Does this still exist? Call it and let me know. I remember it because his audience would shout out the number in unison. So old school and low budget. But hey, Richard Bey was the man!

And another thing, why do talk show hosts feel the need to have their shows named after them. When is someone gonna come up with a creative name? And they always have to use their full name. Maury Povich, Ricki Lake, Richard Bey, Tempest Bledsoe (did you cringe?...I did), Johnny Carson (may he rest in peace), Jay Leno, need I go on?

Jenny Jones, Montel Williams, Oprah Winfrey, Geraldo Rivera, Jerry Springer, Wayne Brady, ok I will stop now.

WHY DO THEY DO THIS? IS THIS A REQUIREMENT?

Maybe Ellen will set a new trend and talk show hosts will deflate their egos and use only their first name... if they use it at all. Am I taking this too serious. Reading too much into this? Maybe I need my own talk show.

I would not use my full name though. I'd buy the rights to Martin's "Word on the Street" and carry the torch. That show was a classic. Remember the Christmas show with the midgets and Be Be and Ce Ce Winans?

Piney Grove

Happy Late Easter I guess...most people went to church yesterday but I was not one of them. Should I feel bad?

I don't think so. But at least I thought about church.

Last night I was thinking about the "down south churches" and how you can tell you're in the right one when you see the heel prints in the wooden floors. I miss those services. I lived with my grandmother for a few years when I was younger and she took me to church every day of the week it seemed.

One of the things I remember vividly is the testimony part of the service. Everyone would have a chance to stand up and tell all their business. I really enjoyed this part. I should remind you this was before Jerry Springer, Ricki Lake and Maury. Remember Richard Bey?

But I digress, it was extrememly entertaining to watch people get the holy ghost. Everyone had their own signature "shout"...I remember Deacon George had the funniest one. He'd kick one leg back and forth with one hand straight up in the air. It was funny. Nick Cannon's hilarious.

And then there was offering time.

Need I say more? Yes, thanks for asking.

Offering time was very traumatizing for me as a young child. When you're young you have a tendency to put change in the collection plate without feeling guilty. Not at this church. At Piney Grove (that's the name of the church- no jive) when you gave money the "accountant" wrote down your name with the amount of money you put in. To make matters worse, after offering time was over, the "accountant" would read the list out loud! Did anyone else have this experience? Good thing the church only had 7 members because this could have taken quite a while....

Hey check this out..it's me :) hehe

Ever heard of Lady Handcock?

I just thought about the expression "you left an impression on me"

It seems that when you meet someone ...and really get to know them, they leave an imprint on your soul. Your life is forever changed- whether you realize or not.

However, the impression that people leave on you can be either good or bad. So you have to be careful of the people you a"soul"ciate with. (yeah I'm trying to play it deep)

I haven't written in days so I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm still breathing and writing.

I will try my best to be mindful of the impression I leave on people. I wonder if this still means the first impression is the most important...or lasts the longest..or whatever it is that people say.

I wonder if some can leave such an impression on you that you start to look like them. I think this holds true for some couples...and some people may be this close to their pets as well.

Speaking of pets, have you ever heard about the stripper name game? If I remember correctly you take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on and you got your stripper name. I know it's corny but I really wanted to share my stripper name with everyone:

Lady Handcock.

Why don't we call 'em nigger for short....

"Nigger. I've confronted her countless times. I've stared that bitch straight in the eye and lived to tell about it. She's been a part of my family as far back as I can remember. I was introduced to her at a very young age and she changed me, but I still can't stand the bitch. In my family, she's the mistress masquerading as a distant cousin. Everyone knows she exists, but no one wants to give credibility to her position in our house. Nigger gave me a distorted view of my own culture. I discovered how slave owners and white supremacists used her as their personal whore to degrade an entire race of people. Having the true nature of Nigger exposed, I realized the ignorant way Black people were viewed in America, how my peers saw me as a person and ultimately, how I viewed myself. Because of this, we've fought many battles. Unfortunately, it's hard to imagine family life without her."

That was my introduction to a college essay that explained how I came to know the meaning of the word nigger. When I was in high school, a fellow writer of the school newspaper was afraid to say "nigger". Ok, he was white so maybe he had good reason to avoid saying anything that even reminded people of the word (hence the Washington official who was fired for using the word niggardly)

What offended me was the fact that he thought I should be offended. Why should I take offense to word that doesn't define me? If I overheard someone say "redneck" I wouldn't get upset and say to them, "Excuse me, but are you referring to me?"

I haven't been called a nigger...lately...to my face.

Local Flashback

Anyway, Local Flashback time!: for those of you familiar with or from Fairfield Co. have got to remember Town Fair. This was a store that had it all. It was the original Super Walmart. It had a bakery, a grocery store, a video store, electronics dept, apparell, shoes (cheap and trashy but still), cosmetics, photo lab, home furnishings, nursery, sporting goods, restaurant, they had it all people!

The only thing was the ambiance. It was filthy. Not dirty, filthy. But it was like a guilty pleasure- or so I've heard. My personal experience with Town Fair was when my mom used to buy my clothes from there. One year she bought me a coat. The big down coats were big that year and everyone wanted the black with tan at the top. Town Fair had the bootleg version and this is what I got for christmas.

The down feathers were somehow gathered in all the wrong places, the front and back were flat, but the arms were extremely thick. I hated this coat. But when your mom buys you a coat dead in the middle of winter, you either wear it or freeze your ass off. And if you could see what's left of my ass today you'd know I chose not to wear that coat.

I vaguely recall a convienent store also being in Town Fair. It was the first thing you saw when you walked in, I believe. I remember sneaking to look at the playboy mags. My family swore I'd grow up to be a lesbian - if that's at all possible. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this.

No, that's not why I'm single.

Or maybe it is.

But, I digress. I used to buy the cartoon t-shirts with the black Simpsons and Bugs Bunny with dreads -wait. Now that I think about it- that was a silly fashion statement. What kind of era were we living in people?! I'm done. I have nothing more to say. That last flashback traumatized the hell out of me.

Jay-Z and Beyonce'

These two get on my nerves. Not because I'm a hater because I am not! Whenever I see Beyonce' - without Jigga, I say to myself, now she's working it. That hairstyle is on point...her earrings are cute...her makeup is flawless...her breath smells terrific. But, then I see them together and oh boy it makes my blood boil!

Not because I'm a hater - I feel the need to emphasize that.

Jay-Z is not a cutie either...he's sexy but not particularly cute. You know what I'm talking about ladies... Anyway, it's when I see them together that I feel so lonely! I want to be someone's Beyonce'...

I guess it's not such a bad thing to be single.

Who am I fooling? I want ROMANCE! I want it so bad I'd shoot it up my arm if I could.

Making the Band III

This year P-Diddy is at again. Making the Band is up for it's third go around and Puff wants an all-girl group. A group that can follow in the footsteps of TLC, Destiny's Child, etc. etc.

So, the show opens up with a recap of Making the Band I and II. O-Town...flopped. Da Band...flopped- as P-Diddy put it, "a lot of fights, not a lot of hits." The first thing I thought was please let him bring Jonessa from Making the Band II back! Who remembers Jonessa? I sure do.

So Puff's dream team consists of managers, Phil Robinson and Johnny Wright; Choreographer, Laurie Ann Gibson; and Doc Holliday, who has worked with famous acts such as Earth, Wind and Fire.

Auditions are held in New York, Chicago, Miami and L.A. All across the country white girls feel the need to sing Alicia Keys', Fallen and black girls want to sing Ashlee Simpson's, Pieces of Me. What is the world coming to? It seemed the more the show dragged on, more and more girls wanted to sing Fallen...and they sounded terrible. It made me wonder if they'd worked out some deal with Alicia.

One thing I noticed was that there were no light skinned black girls. It was as if Puff was trying to say, "see I picked black girls and there will be no question about that." I guess the century of the light skinned black chick is over. Hey, we had a nice run, give the brown girls some shine!

The first person to audition in LA was a 51 year old woman named, Madame Terry who said she would be the mama on Making the Band III...what else could you be, ma? She looked like she was ready to put some of those girls on a corner and have them trickin'. She was all tatted up and had visible scars on her body. She looked like she'd taken a couple of shots to the face...

There was one girl named Paschon (I hope I'm spelling it right but it's pronounced "passion") and lo and behold she sings Fallen by Alicia Keys. Tyra, who auditioned in New York, but did not make the cut was back at the auditions in Chicago. She makes it this time, I'm not sure why though because she did the exact same sh#$ she did in NY. I think they just did it for the "stay tuned and see what happens to the underdog" factor.

Malika tried out for Making the Band II but never made it. Her excuse was that it must not have been in God's plans. Right. It may have had something to do with those wolfpussy eyebrows that she tried to hide underneath a baseball cap. Patty says she's auditioning because her mom is dying of cancer. I questioned her motives behind that statement but I will leave it alone because you never know what someone's intentions are. I'm gonna keep my eye on her though.

Paschon, Tyra, Malika and Patty all move on to the final auditions in NY with 42 other hopefuls. Spoiler: they also make the final cut. Malika's final audition was full of sparkle...in all the wrong places. She had diamonds, hearts and horse shoe studs all over her face on one side. I don't think she should be drawing that much attention to her face. Put those stick on studs on your belly button or your ankles or something.

Back in NY for the final forty-six girls who nervously warm up their voices. They sound horrible. They get in front of P-Diddy and sound even more horrendous. Puff has to walk out of the room it gets so bad. I'm sure the editing made it seem worse than what it was but hey, it makes good television. Puff doesn't think any of the girls has what it takes. He says you can't teach someone how to be a star. Just ask Michelle from Destiny's Child. Just kidding, I love Michelle :)

Reluctantly, Diddy makes his decision. It all boils down to who has the right "look". After allowing the remaining girls to go to the house and pick out rooms and gush over the Ikea decor (country bitches), Diddy decides the girls cannot get too comfortable because he believes he can do a lot better. I immediately thought to myself, this sounds familiar. Because if you're a reality T.V. whore like myself, you know that Puff did the exact same thing on Making the Band II. He even said so himself, "I've been down this road before."

Then here come the teasers. They always try to make things seem more dramatic than what they are, but I fall for it every time. Lots of tears...people being sent home...cat fights...drama drama drama...somebody falls...everybody laughs...someone's gonna get pregnant...some lesbian action...something about putting a banana in your mouth...the usual.

So, are you gonna watch? Please do. I will keep recapping the episodes and I want you to witness the tragedy with me. Why couldn't Puff put this much energy into another Faith album. We need you Faith!!! Are there anymore Bad Boy artists by the way? What's Babs and Ness doing? Weren't they supposed to be rap's next Bonnie and Clyde? Come on Puff! You're famous for getting people's hopes up but you never truly follow through.