Who remembers The Club?

Who remembers The Club? No, not Vandome (I’m dating myself here) and not Club Shadow (Now I’m really dating myself)

I'm talking about that "thing" in the picture.

Now, I think I work with the most interesting people ever. As I pulled into my parking space at work, I noticed that the guy parked next to me had a CLUB on his steering wheel. Yes, a Club! For those of you who may not know what the Club is, it’s an anti-theft steering wheel lock. I don’t think they even make those things anymore. But that’s not the thing that had me so perplexed. What I really wanted to know was, “who would steal this guy’s 97 Geo Tracker”??? Forget the Club, do they even make Geo Trackers anymore???

I bet this guy has a studio apartment with like four locks on the door. Smh.

Seeing a club on someone’s steering wheel doesn’t immediately conjure up images of a confident yet cautious fellow. Noooo. I picture a guy in a checkered short sleeved button-up and khakis with permanent creases pressed down the front legs. But yet, I want to meet this guy. I want to see if he’s really as much of a chick magnet as I think he is.

So, after writing that first paragraph I venture off to The Club website to find out if they still make these iron clad monstrosities and lo and behold, they are still in business! They talk about the “legacy” of this tool as if it changed the course of history. “Before the invention of the now infamous Club, we lived in an age of darkness and confusion. Consumed by fear, many people turned to the Club for answers…”

Well, it didn’t actually say that but it was pretty close. Here’s a very real quote from the website: “…The Club proved to be an effective deterrent against vehicle theft.”

I had to laugh at that because it brought me back to my car jacking days. Oh, yeah. Your girl was a car jacker for like 2 months one summer. I had a friend that used to do it and he’d take me along and show me the ropes. We’d go joy riding in a different car everyday…. Wait. I think I’ve said too much. Forget everything I just said. Don’t try this at home kids. I was a bad girl. Bad meaning bad not bad meaning good. Or whatever.

But I digress. The Club’s website says that it is an “effective deterrent.” I’d say that’s pretty accurate. If I were a car thief and I saw a Club on a steering wheel, I’d be too busy laughing my behind off to steal the daggone car. I’d be half expecting the owner to jump out from behind some bush in army fatigues and war paint!

By the way, the Club can be removed by a car thief in about 15 seconds. But don’t worry: I will not reveal those three simple steps it takes to simply cut the device from the steering wheel column. Oh, crap. I’ve said too much again.

I should just change the subject. Watch this movie!

My mom...

OK, when I started blogging this was meant to be a place where I could vent. A place that I could joke around and allow my silliness to run free. With that said, let me fill you in on a recent change in my life.

My mom is no longer physically here. She was only 54 years old and I feel she was cheated out of many great years. I feel cheated. But maybe more years wouldn't have been good for her. Enough analyzing. Bottom line, it hurts. Sometimes alot.

Most of the time I'm ok. Like the first week after she'd died. Oh I was solid as a rock on the outside but internally, I was a wreck. I lost alot of weight. I think I'm smaller than I've been. I'm still recovering. I'm still wearing a size 0 in everything. Pretty soon I'll be wearing a size 18-24 months..and buttoning my shirts at the crotch.

How can I find humor in all this? Fuckin easy. Let me tell you about the funeral...

Life is funny. Just sit back and watch people sometimes. My family is hilarious. When we all walked into the church, I realized that all of the adult women were wearing fur coats. Which was sort of odd because it was mid-April....

Most of us are wearing shades. Me, my sisters, and our brother wore all white. My grandmother led the way down the aisle to the casket in her big sunday hat and full length fur looking like Queen Bee. She even had a little pimp walk with two of my uncles on each side of her holding her up. I wish I'd gotten a picture.

Why do people take pictures at funerals? And I absolutely despise when people take pictures of the dead person in the casket. What's the point? That's not a Kodak moment! Imagine buying a new picture frame and the stock photo behind the glass is a dead lady lying in a casket. And wow, what a surprise when you open up that new wallet and there's a CSI homicide photo inside...

People do ridiculous things. Like when I caught the holy ghost at the funeral and my pants starting slipping off. Mind you I had on white pants so naturally, I was wearing a thong...

Hi, Mom!

Life after Death

Baby! Bay-bay!

Another thing about death and dying...People grieve in different ways. But there's a something about the way my family has always handled death that I find kinda funny.

Like, why do we all have to get together for a party after the funeral? What are we celebrating here?! Let's bring out the casket photos and pass 'em around!! Default! Default! (a little Myspace humor folks)

I'm one sick individual.

Speaking of Myspace, why is it that when someone dies we put R.I.P. Soandso above our picture? Who on your friends list doesn't know that you just experienced a loss? If someone finds out about your mom passing by viewing your Myspace page, f#$# them up. They deserve to be beaten senseless. Ignorant pricks.

But back to you (or was I talking about myself?) No. Back to you. Because I've learned my lesson - maybe you haven't. Stop posting RIP. It's too somber. And how can you have R.I.P Dad on your page with Buy U A Drink playing in the background? Ignorant pricks...

Bathroom Break

Ever notice how people in public restrooms get real shy about looking in the mirror when someone else is around. You walk into the bathroom and you can tell that they were just staring in the mirror.

But now that you've walked in they all of sudden want to wash their hands. And here's how you really know they're guilty. You go into the stall and they hang around until your toilet flushes.

Now they want to leave.

As soon as they leave you find yourself looking in the mirror...until someone else walks in.

It's one big cycle.

Another thing that urks me is when someone looks at me funny when I use the handicapped stall. I'm sorry but I like the extra room it provides. And I don't know a single employee who's in a wheelchair!!

Maybe they're trying to prepare themselves in case someone ends up losing use of their legs or gets paralyzed in some freak accident. How pessimistic...


What I don't understand is why do they have a handicap accessible bathroom but there aren't any ramps outside of the building? If they can't get in how the hell are they gonna get to the bathroom?

Small Talk

During a conversation, have you ever noticed the other person "mouthing" the words as you speak to them?

That is the weirdest thing.

And I used to do it. Alot. To prevent this from happening, I've formed a habit of keeping my mouth shut when someone speaks to me.

I notice a lot of people on t.v. doing it during interviews. It looks embarrassing.

When people do that to me I cannot finish what I'm saying. I have to take a brief moment to collect myself because it makes you want to laugh. I almost want to say, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking ?"

But, I have really become accustomed to keeping my mouth closed when someone is talking to me. People constantly have to remind me to smile. I guess I look as if I'm in a bad mood or something.

Whatever.

I used to talk alot when I was a kid though. Whenever my sisters had company I would take it upon myself to entertain them. I remember reading books to them and thinking certain parts were hilarious but I guess teenagers weren't really into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Once I got so talkative I taught one of the guests how to break into our house. The next day the door was all boarded up. Was it something I said?

Never frown, you never know who's falling in love with your smile...

Almost a year later and looks who's back on the blog! Yeah, it's been damn near a year since my last post but let's just pretend as though that pause never happened, ok?

It's not as if your life has stopped. Mine sure hasn't. There's so much to tell!!!

I am happy right now. Happy to be writing again. Happy that I am able to get online more often and HAPPY to know for damn sure that I control every aspect of my life and that the world is truly mine.

Alright. I know this sounds corny but I have to say it. I know I'm intelligent enough (Oooh it would be so embarrasing to misspell the word intelligent...and even more embarassing to misspell embarassing...or mispell misspell.)

But I digress...

As I was saying, I know I'm intelligent enough to do whatever it is I want to do in life. Yes, I'm one of those twenty-somethings that still don't know what that is....

I'll figure it out.

But, before I go let me share a quick story about what happened to me today at work.

My job is sponsoring a weight watchers program and lots of people were in attendance today. And they hold this event where? The cafeteria of course! Why are they torturing these people? Half of them are facing the vending machine which is filled with cookies, chips, candy, etc. And they have the nerve to say things like, "Pickles have zero points. Eat as much of them as you'd like...." Meanwhile the fat lady with battleship grey sweatpants is gazing at the vending machine like it's a f@#$ing oasis.

But, I did something that was borderline cruel. I walk into the middle of this weight watchers session and interupt to use the machine. I stand there with my dollar, taking my precious time while I figure out what would best satiate my appetite for destruction.

I make my choice. Oh wait, I don't really want the Sunchips, I'd rather have a KitKat...or a BabeRuth. I can feel them watching me. I start to get a little nervous actually. So in my moment of indecision I hastily choose the Grandma chocolate chip cookies.

Oh shit.

As the pack of cookies drop to the floor of the machine with a thud! I realize there is complete silence. I should have picked the Sunchips.

But, it was too late. And to make matters worse, I can't eat these cookies without warming them up in the microwave first.

The walk to the microwave seemed to take forever. I could still feel them watching me. Only now, I could also sense a tsk tsk here and there, a few people shaking their heads in disgust, and worse of all, sighs of longing. It was a sad journey to that microwave.

When I finally reached my destination, I hurriedly tried to open the pack of cookies. I've never had this much trouble trying to open a snack! The crumpling of the wrapper sounded like thunder in that room! In a desperate attempt to bring this all to an end, I throw the half-opened pack into the microwave and push 20 seconds.

In less than 5 seconds, the bag starts to burn and melt. JUSTICE! I could almost hear a silent cry of vindication spread throughout the room.

But, it's not over til' the fat lady grabs my half baked bag of cookies and runs for the door.

I refused to let them win. I would not let them see me walk out in defeat. I quickly snatched the microwave door open and rushed my cookies to safety.

I pretended as if nothing had just happened. I simply picked up my cookies, wrapped them in a napkin, and got a cup for my milk.

My cookies were not as warm as I would have liked but who the hell cares. I won.

The Telephone Waiting Game

Have any of you experienced the telephone waiting game? You have a date and they call to tell you they'll pick you up at 8. At 8:30 you give him a call to find out if he's lost. Nope, he's on his way. 9:00 comes and you're only calling because "someone just called and hung up and I thought it might be you. Nope, he's on his way.

By the time 10:00 rolls around he's no longer answering his phone. You start blocking your number, getting your friend to click over and call, and *gasp* calling his mom! After calling for the fifty-eleventh time every 3 seconds you start to wonder - "Maybe there's something wrong with their phone..."

You give them the benefit of the doubt. But that gets you to thinking that maybe they've tried to call you while you were calling them!

So you leave the phone alone. And don't let someone call while you're waiting... That will send your spirits plummeting faster than a rock and a hard place.

It's now 11 o' clock and the phone hasn't rung. You start checking to see if your phone is working properly. It is. Your last resort is the most pathetic of them all. You start calling the hospitals to find out if there's any unidentified shot victims. Not one shot victim in Compton tonight, huh? Damn!

The next day you finally get in contact with them and what's their excuse? "I fell asleep."

Flashback! Remember this post??

To celebrate the new month, let's do a flashback!



You asked for it and dagnabit you shall have it! The masses having been screaming: "Where is Tevin Campbell?!"

Well folks, apparently he's alive and not doing well. Tevin went back to Africa.

I'm not kidding. Tevin was most recently spotted in southern Uganda running out on a hefty hotel bill.

So last time we heard from this cherub faced munchkin he was no longer a cherub faced munchkin. He got taller! He grew facial hair!! and clutch the pearls he's gay!!!

Allegedy, Mr. I'm Ready was arrested and pleaded no contest to soliciting oral sex from an undercover (male) LA police officer. This incident occured back in 1999, that year he recorded his final studio album. That's right Tevin, gracefully bow out...and I emphasize "gracefully" ms. thang. (two snaps up)

I shouldn't make light of his gayness. Everyone knew he was a homo and I say that in the highest regard. Remember when people used to say "gaylord"? But I can sympathize with poor little Tevin - it must have been really difficult for him to pretend to like Ashley on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. But I guess that's what acting is all about.

Come back to the world, Tevin. We need you! Actually, we don't but pretend that we care and record another album so I can have a nice hearty laugh at your expense.

Was that mean? So what.

Ok, maybe I'm not that funny...

Lucky for me, I haven't ventured off into the world of comedy yet. No harm, no fowl. Comedy's for the birds anyway. (See how clever I just became. Get it? Fowl. Birds. No? Thanks for killing my dream guys.)

Let's change the subject while I still have some dignity.

So, I started this myspace account and I feel like a traitor. Blogger.com made me. I got my start right here on this site. I owe them as much of my attention as possible.

But, there's a new horizon ahead folks. A place where 14 year old boys will send me messages (this has happened and I'm afraid it's a setup.) A place where I can connect with long lost classmates...

Wait. I actually prefer to not randomly "bump" into people from my past. Out of sight - out of mind. And I've done some weird things in my day.

But, you know what? No need to worry because those days don't define me. Those days were such a small part of my life compared to adulthood. I'll soon be twenty-five and I love that age. This year will mark the beginning of an excellent career and every decision made from this point on will serve the purpose of fulfilling my goal to own a home, complete my college education, and have sex with a stripper (male or female - I don't care).

But, I digress. We were discussing myspace.com right? Aww, enough about that crap. I'm only using it to "network" and obtain client acquisition for my job.

I know. Every adult on myspace is using it to "network." Yeah, right. Meanwhile your profile picture is a naked shot of you in a thong with your booty in the air. And that's just the guys.

Food For Thought Part II

Ok, I shouldn't talk so bad about my family's food problems because I have a couple of confessions to make.

A few years ago my family was preparing food for a cookout. My sister was in charge of the potato salad and incidentally had a bowl full of potatoes soaking in water on the table.

Ok.

Earlier that morning someone stopped up the toilet (it wasn't me) and the bathroom flooded causing water to leak through the kitchen ceiling. We'd thought the problem had been solved but I noticed that water was still dripping from the ceiling and to my dismay (gasp!) - directly into the bowl of potatoes!

I didn't say anything. I just made sure I didn't eat any of it.

Now. If you thought that was terrible and cruel of me I actually did something worse. For Memorial Day, my family had another barbecue. Again my sister was in charge of the potato salad but she also helped with the chicken. Instead of letting the chicken thaw out in the fridge, she had it sitting in the sink.

I was unaware of this fact until I went to throw out some water that I'd used to give my mom a pedicure. Yeah, you guessed it. I poured the dirty water into the sink with the chicken still in there.

Before you go thinking that I'm a terrible person, my family has done many things to me as well. I couldn't tell you how many times they've slipped pork into my food or put cigarette butts into my soda can or scooped out a roach from the sugar bowl without telling anyone...

Funny Looking

Ok. So to be a comedianne you must have something horribly wrong with you right? I mean, even the prettiest female comics resort to pulling strange faces and funny expressions to make themselves more likable.

Are we still in the Ice Age folks? Or was that the Stone Age when men treated women like crap. Actually, I think that would be This Day and Age.

So anyway, the point is you rarely see a beautiful comic. A perfect example would be this season's Last Comic Standing. I have no idea why the judges picked these people to live in the house but having a disability must have something to do with it.

Ok, I'll admit the cerebral palsy guy is hilarious but the lady with the short legs is dumb corny. When they asked her why she decided to do comedy she answered, "Because I really hate myself."

Not that she didn't have good reason but that sort of proves my point. You have to be able to make fun of yourself because that's the only way people can laugh in your face without being mean.

And if you're drop dead gorgeous (is that how you spell that?) what do people have to laugh at? Your jokes? No. Because the best jokes are the personal ones - otherwise people are gonna assume that you have a ghostwriter.

This parallels with female rappers. No one believes Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown wrote their own stuff but do people accuse Remy of this? No. Because Remy has a man-face and therefore garners more respect of her male counterparts and fans. No disrespect to Remy. Hopefully she has the ability to laugh at herself.

And that sort of proves my point as well. Remy could easily moonlight as a comedianne whereas Lil' Kim could not.

Is this worth analyzing? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. You wanna know why? Because I wanna do stand up comedy and I think I'd be great at it. What do you guys think? Maybe I should get some prescription glasses first...

Food For Thought

Why does my family think it's ok to leave eggs out of the fridge? Not only that but they see nothing wrong with leaving a jar of mayo on the table.

The jelly goes in the cabinet but they put peanut butter and bread in the refridgerator! (Did I spell that right?)

Milk and orange juice gets left out for hours...Soda and, if close to the expiration date, bread goes in the freezer.

Who freezes bread? Stop buying two and three loaves a bread at one time! No one eats that much bread!

Except for my son. He will eat a three course meal and somehow will always have room for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Actually both my kids have this addiction. I had to start buying sugerfree jelly - I had no idea this existed!

So when I eat at my mom's house I stay away from the potato salad.

You know what else they do? They'll cook spaghetti and leave the leftover meatsauce on the stove. The following evening, the sauce will still be on the stove. What happens next will make you want to vomit in your sleep. They heat up the sauce and eat it!

And they'll do this with everything. Roast beef, pork chops (I take no part in the eating of the pig by the way), chicken, you name it. If it's the following day it's okay.

And don't get me started on the jars of grease that grace the countertops. I despise this habit! I can hardly ever eat at my moms house because they'll use the pork chop grease to fry the chicken! These are dirty tactics so that after I finish my drumstick they can laugh at me and say things like, "You're still living aren't you?"

But why are people so scared to throw away grease? Afraid of clogging your drains, are you? Well, imagine what it's doing to your arteries! Are you really more concerned about the plumbing than your own heart?

Give a man a car and he will drive away. Teach a man to drive and he will...drive away?

If you can think of a better way to say that, please strap your thinking caps on and help me out here. Thanks.

So now that I've gotten a new car I look at people in beat up cars with such pity. I know, it wasn't too long ago that I was pushing an accident riddled vehicle with a door missing but those days are gone!

When you have a new car you start to do things differently. For instance, it doesn't matter how high the gas prices are these days, I'm driving my car everywhere! And don't get me wrong, it's not to show it off. I'm just used to driving without AC and now that I have it, I practically live in my car.

Speaking of showing off your car, have you guys ever gotten a new whip and have the urge to drive past your old high school? As if someone's gonna recognize you! You graduated in 1987 - who are you trying to impress, the teachers?! But I do it all the time. And what pisses me off is how some students will have nicer cars anyway. Like one day I saw this girl driving a BMW with GO BULLDOGS! painted on the windows.

Why do high school graduates get celebrated so much? Some students get new cars at their graduation, some get huge parties, big trips, money, etc. Why? You did what you're supposed to do!

Maybe I'm bitter because all I got at my high school graduation was a baby. And an army recruiter trying to ship me off to Fort Jackson. I'd never been so happy to be pregnant...the rest was downhill from there.

Instead of going to the army, I went off to experience the campus life. I wasn't visibly pregnant yet so I did things the way every other student did. I ate alot of takeout, went to alot of parties, and drank alot of alcohol. I know, I know - I wasn't 21 yet, right?

But then as the semester came to a close reality set in. My belly was huge and I knew I wouldn't continue to the next semester. Community college here I come.

So now, after years of mediocracy, I finally got my new car. Well, it's not brand new but newer than my old car. But the point is I got it all by myself... my very own 1993 Escalade. What's up with that?

Holy Crap

So, I last posed the question: Would you feel differently about Jesus if he in fact had a wife and child?

To answer my own question, I wouldn't feel different. And I'll tell you why. Are you paying attention? Ok. Here it is. And yes, I am stalling to think of an intelligent answer.

Alright.

Alright.

I wouldn't feel differently if Jesus had a wife and child because...it would only strengthen the respect that I have for this man. If he was subject to all the mortal stresses and lived life as anyone else would - then it would make him a extraordinary person to withstand the horrors that he went through to save us. He endured so much...

I couldn't do it. Would you? Ok, that's not another question I expect you to answer but still...

So, in keeping with the topic here I must confess something to you all. I briefly (and I mean briefly) thought of becoming a preacher. It was either that or a pimp and I'm too nice to be slapping bitches.

I mean, there's a lot of money in that profession yes. But, the main reason was to be able to tell people about themselves and get away with it.

I'd say something like, "You slut! You're going around town whorin'! You sleep with everyone's man and you think it's sexy! Do you wanna go to hell?! Do you?!"

And the response I'd get would be amazing. People would thank me and appreciate that I have shown them the light. And then you get to wear those nice robes and look important.

I wanna slam my hand down on the pulpit just once! It looks so cool.

But back to the issues. Because I have issues. My thing is there's a holy war going on inside my head. Sometimes I start to do a certain thing that some people would view as not being "Christian". Ok. But on the other hand I don't feel that it's particularly wrong just not something I'd want the church to know about.

Like wearing makeup and earrings. Wearing jeans or a short mini skirt. Going to the club. Snorting coke. Things like that.

Did I mention that I've been clean for 6 months? Yeah...

My Movie Minute

I just finished watching The Godfather trilogy. Yeah, it's something I should've done long ago but better late than never right?

One of the things I liked most about these movies is how real the makeup looked. I mean, you were able to watch the characters age right before your eyes. Yeah, I've seen this done a million times in other movies but in The Godfather even the different actors that played the characters at different ages looked alike.

Ok, if that confused you allow me to explain. In the Godfather Part II, Robert Dinero didn't particulary look like a young Marlon Brando. However, with the hair and makeup combined with the facial expressions and body language you could see how someone that looked as svelte and sexy as Dinero could one day look like a stockier Marlon Brando. Very realistic.

And a young Al Pacino! I kept having to go back to the original Godfather to take a look at how tender Pacino looked back then. But it's amazing how easy the directors transformed him into a ganster and eventually to a dying old man whose memories were tainted by death.

I noticed that Nicholas Cage helped direct The Godfather part III. What? Maybe he had something to do with all the symbolism hidden within the storyline.

And I saw the DaVinci Code last night too. Boy was that movie long. But it's weird watching a movie for the first time but you know exactly what's gonna happen next. You see, I have the book and I've read it twice.

I actually prefer to read a book first than see the movie first. With a book you read it little by little and let the suspense build up. And when you're done you move onto a new book because it's not a page turner anymore. With a movie, you can watch it over and over and "see" things you didn't notice before. A book will literally spell out all of the mysteries as you read along.

Speaking of the DaVinci Code would any of you still view Jesus the same if he in fact had a wife and child? We'll discuss this further in a post I'll title - "Holy Crap".